Eggsolute Unit

Watched this in high-school & had to do some stupid full term English course about creative story writing and let me tell you teachers and education boards that THIS is not the right material for that. it's been an inside joke between friends ever since then but oh boy I cannot sit half an hour of this one without turning it off. Don't get me wrong this movie is dooky ballz and everything in it is cheesier than a farmers market but atleast a farmers market has value. The books for alex Rider are great but it just really doesn't translate well into a movie. Don't even get me started on the more recent show because I'll be doing more stunts & back flips than this movie trying to explain how I feel about that one. The characters are all pretty one note. Alex is just a younger James Bond and the villains almost give off Joker Harley Quin vibes to the point where I began to think "ooooh they're just sticking things they like together" It's like taking a 2x2 children's jigsaw amd then a 300x100 adult jigsaw and trying to combine them together. The Antagonists are literal loonytoons. The main villain almost basically says "I was picked on so please feel bad for me, i want to destroy everyone because i was bullied boo hoo im so, special" and his main fling who i neglected to learn the name of (the woman with a European accent and light bair) literelly dangles Alex ocer a tank with a deadly creature in it just lile Harley Quin does to Batman. I played old school cartoon sound effects in my head whenever they did something which made them a lot better honestly. And can we all just focus on the fact that Alex is meant to be like 13-15 and they hired some 20 year old fella to just run around and pretend he still doesn't know what pubes are because that's really what it looks like. There's obviously other stuff here that I've forgotten about but to be fair I'd rather forget than remember. The inside joke isn't funny when my stormbreaker PTSD flairs up