Jonathan Van Etten

Apparently people have been leaving reviews for a winery called VINELAND, and doggone it, 'twas confusing for to realize it. When this uptight woman afore me proclaimed she would never come to Vineland again, I thought it was high praise that Pynchon had created such a bewitching novel that folk thought it to be a real place. Then she whined about her kids not being welcome in Vineland, and I thought it odd that anyone would force their children to read Pynchon. Lawks a mercy, said I, if yer children are illitetate, that hardly means they are unwelcome to read Pynchon. Boy howdy, it was unnerving to be so confused, if only for a few moments. Perhaps I should always randomly switch product and review, I mused to myself; why it's almost like divining or prophesying! I was wondering if I should eat at IHOP this morning, and decided to turn to recent reviews for Canada's Wonderland, you know, for guidance. Well, the ensuing cognitive dissonance affected me so profoundly that I decided to move to Kentucky and handle snakes fulltime in my cousin Jed's travelling revival meeting. Hallelujah! Thanks Vineland!