F L

Surprisingly dull and poorly paced. I fast forwarded several times and didn’t miss any plot points. Flashback scenes help fill in the story but they also derail the plot because they’re unnecessarily long. Some editing would have tightened up the story and much of the (badly dubbed) script is expositional and unnecessary. Worst part: Elias (dubbed over by a child who sounds bored to tears “it’s dark down there!” 😑) who makes some of the worst choices in the movie to no discernible end. Best part: Eightball, the curiously named bad guy who spends the first half of the movie auditioning for his dream job as a vampire aboard a trans-Atlantic flight, and then spends the last half of the movie realizing that dream.

Great idea, turn Scrooge into a lecherous rapist in order to fulfill some kind of topical social commentary threshold that has nothing to do with Dickens’ original tale of redemption and self recognition. Absolutely unnecessary to graft on the #MeToo subtext. This, like so many productions lately, was wonderfully cast, has great production value, but can’t help itself in the quest for driving home some kind of “agenda” of the now. Transforming the the three visiting spirits into a manifestation of Mrs. Cratchet’s female agency/fury was a bizarre choice. Do not watch this with your children. It will only confuse them and you’ll have to explain to them what coercive sexual assault is....on Christmas.

Joshua Leonard’s quaky-voiced pseudo intellectual coked up rich guy routine was such a breathtaking example of over-acting that I had a hard time getting through his scenes. Every word out of his mouth was dripping with a bizarre mixture of boredom & profundity, there was nothing natural about it. The dialogue from others seemed awkwardly alliterative in some parts: “you took the war home with you, Henry”...do people really talk like this? Otherwise the story is good and the creepiness factor is achieved.

Harmless but also pointless. Tilda Swinton’s makeup artist skills were the best part.

Good parts: the city is gorgeous and is showcased beautifully until all the demons show up. I’ll give points for introducing the Google glasses...if only the character wearing them wasn’t unbearable to listen to. The glasses lend themselves to the constant filming aspect of found footage movies while avoiding the inevitable “why do you keep filming while our lives are in danger?!?” question that comes up in most found footage movies. Yael Grobglas as Rachel is lovely and the only decent actor in the entire film. The apocalyptic idea of the movie is also good and it’s cool the set it right in the heart of Jerusalem. Bad parts: too many to list but I will name a few. From the top, Danielle Jadelyn as Sarah is infuriating. I have so many problems with her, she ruined the movie from the very beginning starting with her stilted scenes with the dad character. She’s the captain of the ship being the one wearing the Google glasses, but her squeaky baby voice, self pitying tone and overall whininess made me hate her immediately. She’s a stick-in-the-mud drag from the get go, even when she’s having a good time, she is the last person you’d want to take on a trip with you. Then the scary stuff starts happening and she descends into breathless whimpering that sounds so fake and forced I had to mute much of the last third of the movie and read subtitles. She is dreadful. The three leads, Kevin, Rachel and Sarah are all supposed to be Americans. However none of them can affect a believable American accent. All three are Israeli actors but Yael Grobglas is the only one who comes close to sounding American. It’s distracting. Kevin Reed is supposed to be your standard american backpacker with his cowboy hat but he sounds like no American I’ve ever heard speak. After displaying some panic about imminent danger, Kevin is swept away to an insane asylum....which does not pass any level of believability. The hotel owner and his son apparently have the legal right to have an American citizen committed to a mental institution immediately and on the basis of him having the nebulous “Jerusalem Syndrome”...When all he’s done is say that something bad is going to happen and they need to leave the city. This is apparently ample cause to place him in a barred cell in a stereotypical looney bin full of cackling crazies. It’s balogna. The monsters are bad CGI too but that’s actually something I can get past if the rest of the movie is entertaining. Again, I will emphasize how bad Danielle Jadelyn is in the lead role. I hope I never see her in another movie as long as I live. Yael Grobglas should have work-galore, I really liked her.

I was totally skeptical because I normally can’t handle cheesy contrived contest shows like American Idol, the Voice, DWTS. But this is a lot of fun, and just totally goofy. From the ridiculous costumes to the insane backup dancers and [sometimes] spectacular singing performances, it’s just entertainment for entertainment’s sake which, in the world today, is something I think people need. Jenny McCarthy doesn’t even bother me...and that is saying A LOT.

I’m gonna come right out and say it, Chris Massoglia is AWFUL as Darren. He is unwatchable. The story was silly but might have worked a little better if the lead character didn’t have the personality of a wooden post. It was uncomfortable watching him muddle through scenes with actual skilled actors like William H. Macy and Willem Dafoe. Josh Hutcherson even outshines him.

After an exhausting opening scene with Chloe Grace Moretz playing a bedraggled Chloe Grace Moretz, the movie actually delivers. Tilda Swinton is fantastic. Mia Goth is wonderful. Dakota Johnson is good, I didn’t expect her to be. The coven is creepy. The style is interesting. It nearly lost me in the first six minutes though, thanks to Chloe’s breathless skittishness...which just came across as bad acting.