Clint Shriner

This game caused me to lose the functioning of my nether-plumbing, and not in any manner that had my consent or in which one might hold pride. I turn on my PC and lo, a soothing song of strings lulls me into a false sense of safety in the greenery of Limgrave and the second I walk outside to enjoy the sunshine a deranged man on his rabid steed skewers my manhood on a spear of indignity. Rather than take the open-world design cue that any microcephalic 6-year-old would understand as an indicator that I should explore elsewhere and come back, I realize I've begun to love the tingling in my jumblies that only the diddling of a FromSoftware boss can elicit, so I continue to offer my loins up to the ground-pound delight of the Introductory Equine Lord of Pain. 2 hours later I beat him and the ineffable euphoria of victory washes over me like a preview of the rapture, but then a guy up the hill says I can't get maidens. Now, due to this cruel verbal affront and the surge of biochemical overstimulation from the previous combat triumph that short-circuited my nervous system, I can't get my Bolt of Gransax to remain functionally firm, which I don't need to tell you won't help with my maidenless situation. I've beaten it 4 times and it's still a challenge - both Elden Ring and my previously properly performing pillar of power. Overall 10/10 this game is amazing but it did cause my kibble and bits to stop working so really 9.5/10.