J. Ritter

**SPOILER WARNING** (Although the word "spoiler" may be a bit misleading as this review only "spoils" about 3 and half minutes of runtime because these "spoilers" are more of an afterthought to the writers of this piece of theatrical garba...I mean, genius) As a huge fan of the Pirates franchise in its entirety, I have to say that this movie failed to deliver. Everyone keeps going on and on about the cinematography and visual effects, blah, blah, blah. It's a Disney bankrolled, triple A movie. What else do you expect? In today's world, and more importantly, the Pirates franchise, visual effects are not what makes a movie. Where this movie failed big time is the writing. Just in general, it has got to be some of the laziest writing I've ever seen but it is by far the worst when compared to the previous four films. The first movie was obviously a masterpiece and then of course, Pirates 2, 3, and 4 were great films. This movie, Dead Men Tell No Tales, however, felt empty. There's no depth. No immersion. Just bits and pieces of randomness thrown together with half-witted dialouge to piece it all together. The witch lady, Haifaa, for example, ends up with Jack's compass. She just has it to give to Barbossa...no explanation as to why she has it or who gave it to her. It's just more convenient for the writers that way, I guess. Then, the Carina girl just happens to be Barbossa's daughter? Again, with no explanation or back story except the literal few words exchanged between Jack and Barbossa when that little nugget of information is revealed. And the few minute explanation the movie gives as to why Salazar wants revenge against Jack is an absolute joke! You mean to tell me, some boat captain has a vendetta against all pirates because his father was killed by one, and then gets mad at the young kid who just tried to get away from him? Really?! And then, of course, everyone in the movie is after Poseidon's trident. Yes, that Poseidon. The freaking God of freaking ocean! No back story behind that, mind you. No info on where Poseidon fits in or how his Trident is even known about or how Barbossa ended up with the tiny piece of Ruby that just so happens to unlock FREAKING POSEIDONS FREAKING TOMB! Just a few sentences here and there that say it's a race against time to find it and that, naturally and all of sudden, it can erase every single curse in all the four previous films. Because of course it can. Why not? We can file that right next to the Black Pearl being in a bottle, Harry Potter style, with no explanation and then released (again with no explanation) by Barbossa, who I guess, had the power to release this whole time. Yet again, with no explanation. ...yeah. Those are just a few examples of the type of writing you can expect from this movie. It's as if they're trying to pack 100 hours worth of story from other non-related movies into 2 hours of runtime. Again, in my opinion, they missed the mark with this entry into the Pirates lineup. Big time. Sure, visually it looks good but I wouldn't expect anything less with Disney's budget. With that budget however, I would expect a story that doesn't cut every corner it can to make every plot point fit.