Griffin Jordan

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I take severe offense to this whole project. First of all, Dubai. Really? I mean come on, we've already seen this setting in Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol. Totally unoriginal. Secondly, me and my bros were under the impression this would be a manly and intense military twitch shooter. But no, instead, we get lectured to about the horrors of war and how humanity is flawed. I skipped my philosophy classes back in Sophomore year of college, and it led to me having to drop out of school. Now I hide in my parents' basement and swear at them when they bring me food. I don't need to be reminded of stupid intellectual stuff. The whole thing feels so condescending and full of queer things like "morally gray areas" and "deciding when not to pull the trigger". Who cares? I'm a legit sociopath who wants to shoot everything in the face. Stop trying to feel like you're above me game! I was considering giving this a 0/10, but thankfully, there's a scene where you aerial bombard a whole trench full of innocent civilians. Now THAT is some hardcore-alpha-male-gamer-bro-epic-no-scope badassery right there bruh! 10/10!

I don't know what the heck Rockstar was thinking with this one. Just a year before this, they released GTA San Andreas. But in 2005, they gave us this game: Grand Theft Auto Westopolis. For some reason, all their social commentary and oddball characters were gone and replaced with some Hot Topic employee's pet Hedgehog who runs around with a small beretta pistol and shouts "DAMN!" every five seconds. You do have immigrant characters like in other GTA games but, quite racistly, they're all a bunch of black aliens the game keeps encouraging you to kill. I hate to sound like everyone else, but you'd be better off skipping this installment in the franchise and playing Grand Theft Auto 4 instead. It does such a better job at tackling issues like immigration, gun violence and city life than this title does.

I got pretty excited when I saw the cover art of this game. I didn't know they made a video game adaptation of HBO's movie Game Change! However, the plot of this game has nothing to do with Sarah Palin, John McCain, or the 2008 presidential election in general. Instead, it's about some witch who goes around and strips naked in front of extremely prudish angels who die at the sight of seeing the female body. Didn't really know what they were going for with this story, but David Bowie does show up towards the end wearing some kind of peacock outfit. On the David Bowie metric, the game scores a very impressive "David Bowie is sort of in this game" which is higher than most titles. 8/10

It was great to see Sony Santa Monica take their award winning combat from God of War and put it in a children's game that all ages could enjoy. Unfortunately, it randomly switches gears from time to time and you have to play as this blue rodent who keeps blasting off and shouting "WOO!" every five seconds. Would recommend you skip this installment and instead jump right into God of War 2018 instead, much better version of this kind of game. 0/10

I just can't get a fix on what this game encourages for young people. The game starts promising with a young, small business owner named Dante who is just trying to achieve the American dream. But then he gets roped into this weird adventure with this chick who convinces him to drop acid and go to some weird island where a bunch of people try to kick him out for breaking into private property. It's also revealed that the only reason Dante trusts this woman is because she looks like his mother! Gross! So not only are young people encouraged to abandon their start up business, but they have to fall for someone who reminds them of their mom. Just insulting if you ask me. However, the title redeems itself at the very end, as we see our hero escape the island via a plane. In an age where fewer young people are becoming pilots, this sends an encouraging message on the value of flight school and how it can save you. Truly, something Millennials and the new Gen Z kids could learn from. 9/10

The whole time, I was waiting for our main character, the Doom Slayer, to become a priest. Surely, preaching about our lord and savior Jesus Christ is the best way to dispel the forces of hell? Tragically, the game never broke out its inner Priest Simulator 2016, and most of the game consists of ripping demons to bits with various weapons. I mean sure, a priest simulator would be hard to get money for seeing as how you'd have to simulate institutionalized pedophilia and various other really inappropriate things, but it's the price to pay for your soul getting into heaven! Stop having fun and read your bible dammit!

What kind of kid is supposed to play this game?! We have a blue hedgehog, likely abusing some kind of substance, fleeing from the police which results in the destruction of half of San Francisco. You've also got this over-sexualized bat, a thirsty pink hedgehog, a fox whose gender is still a mystery, a red echidna who wants to fool everyone into thinking he's African American, a fat bald knock off of Teddy Roosevelt and a black colored hedgehog named Shadow that the game keeps reminding you is in fact black. I'd consider giving this racially insensitive furry fan fiction a 0/10. However, the title redeems itself with its Chao Garden, which is a wholesome way to encourage young people to nurture and raise young creatures. Turns out that this title was a respectable Christian game after all. 8/10

Gotta say, don't know what this was supposed to be. I got this VR headset really excited for the potential of going to Paris in a virtual space, mostly in the sense that I prefer spending hundreds of dollars on plastic junk manufactured in some third world country rather than growing the spine to save up and actually travel myself. What was I on about? Oh yeah, VR Paris. So ever since I saw Juliet Binoche in some random French film like 19 years ago, I've really wanted to go there. What was the film about? Don't remember, was too busy staring at her eyes and cheekbones to really pay attention. But unfortunately, this VR tour is misguided. The French lady on the intercom running the tour sounds charming enough but she keeps having you pilot one of several weird looking robots that you use to kill a bunch of foreigners with. I mean, I heard the French weren't very welcoming to tourists, but Jesus, I had no idea it got this violent with them. But ok, I thought, we're killing a bunch of Germans decked out in robot armor. They probably have it coming, they're likely aggressive bankers or BMW salesmen or... I feel like I'm forgetting about a really nasty 1930s political group that Germans used to follow. Can't recall though, the current American president doesn't seem to think those exist apparently. Anyway, I was digging seeing Paris through a German-cyborg-corpse blood soaked filter, but unfortunately the tour was cut short multiple times to have me fiddle with some broken robots and randomly placed action figures. If I wanted to do tech repair, I wouldn't have dropped out of school to purchase a VR headset. Though I guess I can relate to the main characters hoarding boat loads of action figures so I'll meet it halfway there. All in all, with only 90 minutes of interactive VR Paris footage to sink your teeth into, poor pacing, and a noticeable lack of Juliet Binoche cheekbones, I just can't recommend this as a definitive Paris VR experience. You're better off spending that money on a Binoche film on dvd. Definitely not Godzilla though, she's only in it for like five minutes.

If you 𝐎𝐩𝐞𝐧 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭 to an average kids film, you'll enjoy this movie. It's extremely predictable, but I can 𝐋𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐋𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐧 to accept it wasn't made for me. With 𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐈'𝐦 𝐌𝐚𝐝𝐞 𝐎𝐟, I expected this to be trash. 𝐔𝐧𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐅𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐌𝐞, it turned out to not be completely terrible. 𝐌𝐲 𝐒𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐭 𝐏𝐚𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧 in the film was everything involving the iconography of the fantasy world Sonic was from. Sadly, the movie could never 𝐄𝐬𝐜𝐚𝐩𝐞 𝐅𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐂𝐢𝐭𝐲 of San Francisco, which led to some bland and predictable imagery and set pieces. 𝐈𝐭 𝐃𝐨𝐞𝐬𝐧'𝐭 𝐌𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 how many puns and cheap easy references you throw in, your script needs to 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐬 to be considered a good film. At times, it felt like the writers and actors were going through 𝐋𝐚𝐳𝐲 𝐃𝐚𝐲𝐬, what with how 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐌𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐞 works in Hollywood. Instead of ripping off E.T., they should 𝐓𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐰 𝐈𝐭 𝐀𝐥𝐥 𝐀𝐰𝐚𝐲, have the Sonic movie take place in 𝐇𝐢𝐬 𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐥𝐝 and make a mostly animated film with Jim Carrey playing 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐄𝐠𝐠𝐦𝐚𝐧 and him being the only human character in the film. Despite all this, it's impressive given the 𝐓𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐓𝐫𝐢𝐚𝐥𝐬 the studio had that they were able to turn this movie around and make Sonic look somewhat appealing instead of the ugly abomination in the early trailers that gave us all 𝐌𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐚. Any effort to make a decent Video Game adaptation seemed 𝐀𝐥𝐦𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐃𝐞𝐚𝐝. While Sonic The Hedgehog isn't exactly a 𝐃𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦 𝐨𝐟 𝐚𝐧 𝐀𝐛𝐬𝐨𝐥𝐮𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧, it's a step in the right direction towards a brighter future. 𝐍𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐓𝐮𝐫𝐧 𝐁𝐚𝐜𝐤 on the 𝐄𝐧𝐝𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐏𝐨𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐞𝐬 we have in story telling, because good writing can make any film worth making. If you want to pursue your passion, and make great works of art, 𝐒𝐩𝐞𝐚𝐤 𝐖𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭 and 𝐁𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐯𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟. Something something something 𝐏𝐮𝐦𝐩𝐤𝐢𝐧 𝐇𝐢𝐥𝐥.