A Cinematic Dumpster Fire โ A Total Disgrace to the 28 Franchise
I donโt even know where to start. I just finished watching this catastrophe while & sitting here in disbelief!
This is the first and last time Iโll waste time reviewing a movie like this, but people need to be warned: this film is a crime against storytelling, logic, and human patience. If I could give it negative stars, Iโd drain the galaxy of all its stars just to rate this properly.
Letโs unpack the garbage:
โข The ONLY jumpscare in the film was a bloody fox running out of a shed. Thatโs it. A wildlife PSA had more suspense than this mess.
โข A rage-infected woman gives birth to a completely healthy baby, holds the motherโs hand like theyโre having a moment, and then decides to go full UFC on her five seconds later? Who greenlit this nonsense?
โข Nudity everywhere for no reason. Apparently, rage makes you horny for streaking too? Most of the infected looked like theyโd escaped from a naturist colony, not a horror movie.
โข The infected have been surviving for 28 YEARSโฆ on worms and tree bark? Thatโs not lore, thatโs lazy. Not even Bear Grylls would last that long on that diet.
โข The Alpha zombieโwhat was that? Heโs shredded like heโs been bench pressing tanks and swinging protein shakes, but heโs been surviving in a cave? Also, why does he look like he was cast from a Calvin Klein ad with a machete?
โข The doctor justโฆ puts him to sleep. What is this, zombie naptime? The man was face-to-face with the single most dangerous infected in the film and thought, โYeah, Iโll just sing him a lullaby.โ AND THEN ACTS SURPRISED when it wakes up and wrecks him.
โข The cancer mum subplot? An emotional manipulation that failed harder than a wet firework. She knew she was dying and decided to go on a fantasy quest with her son for the vibes? Then dies becauseโฆ why not?
โข โSound attracts the infected,โ they say repeatedly. But blowing up a gas station? Apparently thatโs chill. Mustโve been on mute mode.
โข The dad brings his 12-year-old son along to the mainland like itโs a school trip, while other kids on the island are doing archery practice for no reason. Was this โHunger Games: Midlife Crisis Editionโ?
โข The medieval flashbacks. Oh boy. Suddenly the rage virus has existed since the 1400s? What is this, Assassinโs Creed: Zombified?
โข
โข The island is untouched by the infected. Not a single invasion in 28 years? Did the zombies respect maritime borders or is there a forcefield we missed?
โข The doctor is burning corpses, doing full autopsies, running a one-man hospitalโnever gets swarmed once. I guess infected are allergic to medical degrees.
โข A soldier watches his mates get infected like heโs watching paint dry, then finally reacts just in time to get bodied himself. Incredible tactical awareness, mate.
โข Character development? None. Son goes from canโt-hit-a-barn to Olympic archer in about six scenes. Unrealistic doesnโt even cover it.
โข The crows are eating zombies and somehow not infected? Since when were crows immune to blood-borne pathogens? This ainโt Pokรฉmon evolution.
โข And the endingโฆ Oh sweet hell, the ending. Jimmy Saville Power Rangers!! Danny Boyle has lost the plot..