Jimmy Chin – Google

The Alien franchise stoops to a new low with this pathetic cash-grab for a new generation. The thing which is utterly missed by this episode is that Ripley always had to ESCAPE from the Alien, SURVIVE the alien or SAVE the civilians from the aliens. I know that it's more complicated than that, but for now, that will do. In this one - and I CANNOT BELIEVE that 90% of people who saw it, liked it - some randoms turn up in a space ship and pick up two passengers en route to a decommissioned craft with a decaying orbit. If you already guessed it, then that's on you (and the lame story-telling abilities of the storytellers). Yes it really is that simple. One of those randoms is pregnant and has next-to-zero input or character building in the story. Until! Until, we needed a reason for someone to be a hero and save the pregnant/baby/puppy/kitten/whatever/tired/trope from the Alien/Aliens/each other/etc. Maybe I should have offered a 'spoiler-alert', but really, if you couldn't work this one out by watching the trailer then shame on you, not me. Ridley Scott has had solid stock that was usually bankable. The man knew how to make a picture. At 86, he has nothing to prove and everything to lose, so why he is trying to churn out film after film, year after year, leaves me baffled. I hope his legacy remains intact after Gladiator II, because if that falls flat, as this ultimately will, he will be remembered more for killing off the Gladiator and Alien franchises than he would be for creating them. The last line comes from the heart. This man has brought us some truly inspiring cinema. Please let me be wrong.

No spoilers. Because this steaming pile of garbage cannot be spoilt by anything I could write. To be fair, the set design is pretty good, managing to evoke the unique and highly stylized look of the video games. Other than that, this is a truly horrendous film. Basic quality stunts and action pieces which look amateurish. Like being a kid, pretending to be shot in the playground. Awful. Regarding actors, Jack Black does a half decent job. The half he did well was keeping his desperate gurning face off-screen. The unimpressive half was him talking. I heard that the generally excellent Cate Blanchett starred in it although this can't be confirmed. Somebody who looks a bit like her is in it for sure, but they have the same MacSurgeon as every other Hollywood actress of a certain age, so we have to trust the end credits instead of our own eyes. If you can make it that far. I could say it was me and you would not be able to categorically dismiss my claim. Hopefully for her, she can plausibly deny any involvement in this mess, and perhaps claim that it was a plastic AI version of herself. Which is what it looked like. But why any AI would commit to this project might prove that the 'Intelligence' aspect of it isn't warranted. Cate, you're well-off. Please don't demean yourself by taking on rubbish like this. Let the young and the desperate get a chance. They need it, you don't. If you are that short of cash, drop me a message and I will see if I can help. Seeing you like this is like watching my favourite fictional aunt fall into a meth-fuelled life of thieving and whoring after the sudden tragic death of my fictional uncle. LOTR was purely magical. This is just tragic. Fire your agent. If you like movies then this is not for you. If you like Cate Blanchett then this is not for you. If you like video games then this is not for you. If you like to be entertained then this is not for you. If you don't like being annoyed then this is not for you. If you need to collect-every-movie-ever-released-or-you-will-die then this movie is not for you. It really is that bad. If you need something to prop up a wonky table then find a dead animal and use that. If you can read this then this is not for you. We can only hope that Cate Blanchett is now released from whatever force made her sign up to this. Somebody must have had some compromising pictures of her dumping a body or something. Otherwise, she would never have agreed to this, I'm sure. Not of her own free will. Even Jaden Smith would have turned this turkey down. FINAL THOUGHT: This is actually gonna make me enjoy playing the video game even less. I used to love that game. The way it's creators have sold out here just makes me feel sick. It's like finding out that your beloved puppy is actually an angry squirrel which will only use biting as a method of communication. Even then, I'm not sure that I'm getting the message across. Perhaps if you cut your feet off just before running a marathon, you might get somewhere close to where I'm coming from with this. I have LITERALLY run out of cringes.

I've been a Marvel fan from the start. I even enjoyed Howard the Duck. The blend of solid story-telling, humour and stunning CGI has made for many a happy 'movie day' in our house. And I really wanted to enjoy this too. But instead of enhancing the movie, the CGI WAS the movie. Paul Rudd delivers his lines in the comedy style he has made his own, but there aren't enough good comedy lines for him to deliver. In fact, the whole thing feels like it was cobbled together on the back of a cigarette packet. The actors do their best with a silly story and basic dialogue but too often, the CGI failed to connect with them and the viewer was reminded that they were performing in front of a green screen. Has the Marvel bubble burst? The upcoming Guardians of the Galaxy sequel will be the acid test. If that falls flat, then the last person leaving the Marvel Studios will be left to ponder 'What the hell happened here?'.