Joel Parker

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I would give this a zero, but Google will not allow me to. To start, a list of relatively “okay” things: - Dafoe is here for five minutes (the first, and best, five minutes of the film.) - Some things were hard: a few lines here and there, also the display of corpses. - The raid at the start was pretty awesome, although the fight looked quite unrealistic (e.g. over-choreographed) That being said, the writing in this film is so BAD that I genuinely started laughing at some of the scenes. It is so horrific that I am sat here in awe of how they thought this was acceptable. Cinematography was very patchy, and the transition between what is real and fantasy failed to bridge the pieces together. Feels like the budget was blasted on a few cast members, rather than clean CGI (very botchy) and a bigger town (three houses and the slave house was the biggest house.) (Spoilers from here on out, but please continue so you don’t have to waste two hours.) Words cannot put together how bad the plot was. The Lion King start was a safe bet, though the lack of good musical numbers wasn’t the only pieces this film was missing. Amleth doesn’t want to pay child support. The fact he went back after abolishing his “fate” for escaping with a fellow slave that he genuinely cares about, confesses his love and then leaves the VERY MOMENT SHE SAYS SHE IS PREGNANT. My word, poetry. How on earth is this not a parody? From the incestous mother to the slaughter of the half-brother (after saving him) this film is has no direction for some of these characters and Amleth is so badly written, we struggle to understand what his motivations are after a while. That being said, moments happen that are clearly there to fill the run time. The fact Amleth is never caught sprinting out on the roof of the slave house. The fact his uncle had a clear and obvious chance to kill him, and yet doesn’t? The fact he sprinted BACK to fulfil his ‘fate’ after his Mrs said they were having kids, once they escaped (I know I’ve mentioned this already, but I have not recovered from this films stupidity.) A stupid, poorly constructed two hours comes to its conclusion with Amleth and his uncle fighting in a volcano… and yet this wasn’t the dumbest part of this film. My god, if I can stop one innocent man from watching this film then I have succeeded in this horrific world. If you are reading this, go out and grab a coffee, perhaps take a nice walk in a park or go and see beloved friends or family. Whatever you do, do not watch this terrible movie.