Eamonn Monaghan

For the last 8 years Ridley Scott's rubbishy Prometheus movie Has been repeating on me like an under cooked Bat with Singapore Noodles. Ridley Scott, a word: When the only interesting character, believable and with any depth, is a biological robot – a radiant, effete 'Bowie boy' straight out of a test tube (Michael Fassbender as David 8; the best guy in the film - and I am not dissing Bowie, Station to Station is among my fave albums). *Your movie is in trouble* Strong female character role models: Charlize Theron, When you are being chased by a titanic, quarter mile diameter wheel... Do not: Keep running in a femmy, knees together wrists out flapping, “Ooh! Ooh! I'm being chased by a big naughty spaceship” Do: Turn left or right, It will miss you *Idris Elba (great guy) sacrificed his life ramming your ‘naughty spaceship’. Stop being an un-gracious cow. Noomi Rapace, when you are on camera, try to exist. It's called Screen Presence. Post C-Section from a set of kitchen utensils on a sun lounger Do: Staple your tummy back together, very practical, that. Do not: Go straight to the Starbucks machine for a Crème latte with a shot of caramel . You will leak. *instead* Get a Sick Note and Fax it to The Company Head Office – Fax would be at super-luminal speed in your century... ...and then ...er... ...go straight to the Starbucks machine for a Crème latte with a shot of caramel. You will still leak, though. Both, Charlize & Noomi, Astronauts require years of arduous training. Act like it. Not like you have spent the same time sitting on the Xerox photocopying your bottoms* *That's Human Resources training* Dear Primeval Beings, Do not: Drink neat Worcestershire Sauce straight from the bottle – at least, not without a shank of lamb, roast 'tatties and mushy peas - you’ll fall in a river. Do: Take Sanatogen multivitamins, you are all looking very pale. The Surgical Team: Cranial exoskeletons do not look like old flying ace Biggles helmets. The ‘chocs away’ flying goggles are a dead giveaway, trust me on this I was an Air Cadet. Now finally: The be-tentacled Incubus/Octopus/Cephalopod monster ...or, may I call you Graham? I understand you have an image problem along with low self esteem owing to your mummy (Noomi Rapace) having rejected you. It's not what I am here to talk about. Have you heard of ‘Less is More’? Don't over egg the pudding. Only show one or two, maxmum three, tentacles through the hatch and waggle ‘em about a bit. Keep your Boo behind the door. Better mystery and ups the scare factor. Sage advice from a Hermetic recluse Sage Elder, that; Boo Management...I've got medals in it. Oh, yes...When you stick a tentacle in anyone’s mush, remember to use hand-sanitizer and wear latex gloves – a necessary precaution in these parlous times. Graham Cephalopod, did you train at the Royal Central School of Speech and Drama? Then next time I want a more nuanced performance with a touch of pathos. Why? ‘Cos I said so.