eau hillingdon

Alien and aliens were great because they took their time, and your imagination did the work (consider the famous ambush scene in 1986, you don’t really see an alien kill a marine). Here, the monsters come out early, in full view, so there’s no building of tension or suspension, nothing to stir your imagination, so you don’t engage, or care. Plus it’s well-trodden ground, and you know what they say about familiarity breeding contempt, such as the trillionaire character looking like the current arsehole who runs Facebook. And for some reason a spaceship in a 100 years time will have screens that’ll remind you of your old 386 PC. Another missed opportunity.

Bore fest from start to finish. I can’t imagine why anyone was laughing out loud, at any point, unlike the glowing reviews. It was all schmaltzy, like a series of John Lewis Christmas adverts blended together.

The first ten minutes were good, some nice world building. After this, it went downhill rapidly - a trope fest and retread of all films prior, including some really bad CGI. It would have worked better with adults than a bunch of fresh-faced, ethnically diverse kids. It’s as if they don’t have the guts to try something new and simple. Surprised Jones the cat didnt have a cameo.

Great visuals and score can’t make up for an obscure plot, dull characters and moments of silliness. The first film had guts, a light touch, set things up beautifully. This was a flop.

This is a bad film (or actually a bad mashing together of the first three films). It’s the cinema equivalent of going to a nightclub with your parents. One of the main flaws is that it ignores the axiom ‘show, don’t tell’; there’s far too much exposition and not nearly enough action sequences to tell the story. Those in play, particularly the fight scenes, are subpar. This is exacerbated by clips literally playing in the background of the first, much better films. The characters are dull and one-dimensional (most of them don’t have names, just weird haircuts) and they don’t develop in any meaningful way, making it hard to follow them or care what happens to them. For example, Neo’s messianic abilities mean that he’s basically invulnerable and so all action scenes with him in it are drained of any real tension, suspense or enjoyment. This extends to the various themes which are given the heavy-handed treatment; each one is circled and double underlined in screaming red ink, such as mental health issues, transgender rights and the #metoo movement. Perhaps the biggest failing is the complete lack of originality; this is a plodding retread of the best and worst bits of the trilogy, which will leave even the most ardent fanboys and fangirls feeling disappointed (after all, the trailers looked so good!)

This is the first and last film I’ll ever watch by Wes Anderson. Tedious, dull, self-indulgent and irritating. There is no theme, no plot, no characters to bond with or be drawn in by, just an excess of boring narration to go with a jumbled slideshow of French postcards. Think of the aversion therapy cinema scene in A Clockwork Orange and you’ll get the idea of what it’s like to sit through The French Dispatch.

Two stars for the visuals, but the characters are threadbare and the story is basically the Golden Child (1984).

Normally, I think bad reviews are unjustified and unfair. But I feel cheated. This isn’t a good film, by any stretch of the imagination, and without spoiling it, does not need to be seen on the imax theatre screen - a lot of time is taken up with geeks squabbling with each other and the military in random rooms. Nobody except the titular character is introduced in any kind of clear way, so you don’t know (or maybe care) who is who, so it’s hard to form any kind of emotional attachment or empathy, go on a journey with them. It’s more like that’s Josh Hartnett, that’s Matt Damon, that’s whatshisface who played Iron Man, etc. The main character is for that matter poorly developed too. I couldn’t tell you what motivated him to help build a weapon of mass destruction, for example. The only thing I know is that he wore a hat, smoked a pipe, slept around, and knew Einstein. The timelines swap back and forth with the rapidity of a sewing machine, are incoherent and to be honest, once the bomb goes off, it’s a much slower countdown to the end credits. This film cannot be called enjoyable, but that may be the point: A nuclear bomb is not entertainment. Make sure you get a comfy cinema seat!