Bob Henry

Wow, where do I even start? Metro Exodus is basically a walking simulator in a post-apocalyptic world where you’re supposed to care about surviving. Yeah, sure, I love collecting rusty cans and fishing for bullets in a game where every enemy looks like they’ve been crossbred with a pile of wet laundry. The graphics? Eh, I guess they’re okay, if you like staring at endless fields of gray dirt and trees that seem like they’re straight out of a PlayStation 2. The story? Oh, you mean the one that’s trying so hard to make me care about characters who have the emotional depth of a cardboard cutout? “Oh no, Artyom’s talking about hope again… and again… and again.” Yes, please, give me more excruciatingly slow train rides where nothing happens except forced, wooden dialogue. And don’t even get me started on the combat. The guns feel like you’re shooting Nerf darts, and half the time they jam anyway. It’s like the game is trying to make you feel as powerless and frustrated as possible. Sneaking is about as effective as waving a giant flag that says “I’M HERE!” since enemies spot you from across the map like they have mutant eagle eyes. All in all, Metro Exodus is basically a scenic, slow, and emotionally dead road trip through a wasteland that’s as empty as the game’s soul. 2/10, only because I didn’t get radiation poisoning from playing it.