Harshavardan Sarvanan

When Disney chose to release Artemis Fowl on Disney+ rather than delay its theatrical release or opt for Premium On Demand, it raised suspicion that the movie might not be particularly good.The adaptation is so appallingly ill-conceived, the screen version never stood a chance.The filmmakers not only rob the title character (and his supporting players) of every last ounce of charisma, they've also diced and tossed the narrative into a flavorless plot salad that makes little to no sense, and added and omitted elements for no discernible reason.While the books drop the reader right into the action, and respect even the youngest fans enough to know they'll catch up, the movie takes nearly half of its runtime to hit its stride, going out of its way to explain everything. A cardinal rule of creative writing, especially screenwriting, is to show rather than tell. Artemis Fowl lazily relies on telling throughout. Its characters speak in ham-fisted exposition and foreshadowing. When Artemis tells his father, "All I really want to believe in is you," it's eyeroll-worthy instead of sweet and symbolic. Although the words themselves hit the audience over the head, it's still difficult to make heads or tails of the larger point. The rancid icing on the cake is the laughably bad vocal work by Josh Gad and Judi Dench. Both employ gravelly voices that ring in the ears like low-pitch nails on a chalkboard. Even After all you want to see trust me you will regret it.