Grandma

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Carnival Row tries to get the runoff Game of Thrones fans but fails. The plot is convoluted and boring, the acting is sub-par, and the fake accents just gave me a headache. And ENOUGH with the sex scenes. The fact that they're in season one and relying on sex scenes to distract viewers from a gaping lack of plot is the most telling part of the whole show. The production value, on the other hand, is top-notch. The set was beautiful, the scene believable. But good storyline goes beyond what's just pretty, and underneath the pretty, there's nothing to really applaud. The script was poorly written, and the dialogue is so uninteresting that I literally had to drink extra caffeine to stay awake. The dark hues of the show are lulling and nothing in the plot was interesting enough for me to even want to stay awake. Cara Delevigne is, sadly, not meeting my possibly hopeful expectations as a lead, and Orlando Bloom is fine, but I don't find him memorable in this role. Basically I don't recommend it. That's all.

The theme of Missed Opportunities is fully realized with this film, both cinematically and conceptually. Had the writing team and/or production team actually cared about doing justice to a very cool concept, I think this would be a fun and engaging movie to watch. However, so little attention to detail was hard to sit through. For the sake of Storytelling, I'll let the silly antics and tropes go and only harp on the blatantly unresearched aspects that I think will demonstrate how little care was put into the film as a whole. For starters, my biggest gripe is that this film doesn't even care enough to ever go to Greenland, or fact check why Greenland is an important apocalyptic location. This film has no photos, footage, or filming in or around Greenland. All shots of and in the supposed "Greenland area" is Iceland, and I cannot fathom why nobody just opted to name the film "Iceland" instead. They don't try to hide it. The shots of Iceland are from incredibly scenic and noticable place - places I have been to in person because of their renown. I don't get it. Their reason for going to Greenland isn't even legitimate, because if the writers had done *any* research, they would realize that Greenland is an abysmal place to ride out tsunamis. It's a small island in the middle of the northern cold ocean that is impossible to travel from should they try to leave the country for any reason after the apocalyptic impact. This is a cold place that will freeze over with the risen sea temperatures and ice-age effect that would come of a colision of this magnitude. Do they expect planes and boats to still be operational? Are they expecting air quality to not be a problem? Even apocalypse bunkers in Kansas plan for their ventilation systems to get messed with by ash, but the concept that their entire location could be underwater without reliable ventilation just doesn't factor into the location of Earth's final stand against the elements? NGL, I'd love to watch a submarine crew try to survive the apocalypse in deep ocean, but I think that thought alone is more thinking than the entire writing team put into this film. Furthermore, the ending's assertion that the apocalptic survivors could leave their bunker after a measly handful of months underground is bonkers. It's wild. It's almost as though someone looked up "How long was the sun blocked out after the asteroid?" I say "almost as if" because that's exactly what happened. The very first source available on google to that question results in a webpage stating that all life on Earth went extinct after 9 months, but that the actual result of the colision was more like.... 8 years of culminating factors before there was even enouogh sunlight getting through the atmosphere for life to be able to recover on Earth. The full article wasn't even SKIMMED for Greenland's ending to not undergo massive rewriting. Overall, this film missed the opportunity to create a phenomenal piece of apocalyptic media. It had the budget, it had the acting chops, it had the directing. Emotional scenes were well done, and the acting was decently logical. I enjoyed many of the different waves of obstacles. I thnk if this film had taken some more logic and thinking inspiration from the film Deep Impact (1998), it would have been a lot more enjoyable. I know I'm a harsh critic to get worked up over details that weren't meant to be thought about, but in this wonderful genre, I find that this film could have been wonderful too. I'm sad that it wasn't. Crossing my fingers for the submarine apocalypse story I now greatly desire <3.