Tori Knuppe

Watching this movie feels akin to pulling your toenails out one by one with a wrench. Ehhh maybe not quite as bad though... the toenail pulling, I mean. 1. The narrator... what is her relevance? Is she someone's grandmother? The main character's older self? A sea hag who relentlessly stalks teenagers by day and haunts them by night? Who knows. 2. The lucid dreaming scene. If you thought watching a sex scene with your parents was awkward, just WAIT for this one. Honestly, watching it felt like what my seventh grade self would THINK drugs feel like. In fact, the graphics were most likely created by a seventh grader experimenting in tech class, so it all makes sense now. 3. The lifeguard who hangs around the four kids constantly because he has, I don't know, NOTHING on God's green earth better to do? Yet, he does have some talent... he manages to have lots of lines yet remain entirely insignificant. I'm sure his parents are proud of this role. 4. Let's talk about the quick and somewhat random transitions in love interests?! This movie makes teenagers seem 225% more horny and flippant than they already are, which is saying something. 5. The Keanu Reeves cameo at the end... as if THIS would save the movie. Honestly I'm shocked he would associate himself with such a film... unless of course he IS actually family friends with Noah Centineo's dead surfer dad--then it would make a little more sense. 6. The character development. Somehow you know the characters well enough to hate them but not to like them? Idk how they managed that, but low and behold. 7. Last but not least, the... plotline? If you could call it that? If you find yourself watching and waiting for the actual storyline to start, but then the end credits start rolling... you didn't accidentally fast forward. That was actually the entire movie. Shut your laptop and try to move on from the hour fifteen you just wasted. Those cams that film eagle eggs before they hatch have more suspense and emotional investment. In fact, please watch one of those instead of this movie. In light of all this, I will be starting a Gofundme to ensure they do NOT make another SPF18. So if you're unsure how to spend your yearly giving, this may be the best cause you come across. #saveourchildren #savekeanu #spf18kills

Felt so relatable. I, too, had a near death experience choking on a candy cane in which my distant past was revisted in marionette form. And of course, only a true friend would ambush you with a paintball gun in order to help you access said life-altering puppet flashbacks. 10/10 would recommend.