Lars of the Mohicans

-Monty Python and the Green Knight- Let me start off by mentioning that I thoroughly enjoyed the 1985 cinematic incarnation of the Sir Gawain legend so I wasn't going in totally blind and that furthermore, SPOILERS abound in this review so read at your own discretion. I was not expecting "Game of Thrones", "Hearts and Armour" or the aforementioned "Sword of the Valiant: The Legend of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight" so it isn't like my testosterone was off the charts as I entered the cinema. What I wasn't expecting either though, was "Brave Sir Robin ran away". Entering S P O I L E R territory, hearken to the tale of a knight of little valor and nigh-indiscernible wits. Again, at no point was I holding my breath for a swashbuckling yarn of sword & sorcery, but the only thing Sir Gawain is notably good at is being a bumbling failure. He gets waylaid by three low-level brigand goons who loot most of his gear before he even has the chance to draw his sword, he meets a cute fox familiar who accompanies him as his loyal Pokemon, he witnesses the majesty of skyscraper-sized giants who sing like whales...nowhere does our ignoble knight get to display any notable courage or skill at arms befitting a knight of Camelot. Throughout all this, we are treated to some decidedly beautiful scenery and cinematography, literally the one redeeming quality this motion picture has to offer aside from the epoch-accurate soundtrack, so this earns it its two stars instead of one. But I could've forgiven all of this (after all, I sat through the whole thing so far) if it at least led to SOMETHING. What do we take away from this movie? What lesson does Gawain impart in the end? Answer: that he's a loser and he never deserved greatness. This is the great, big whoopee cushion of a finale that the film critics are flooding their undergarments over. No coming-of-age tale, no display of courage and/or wits to redeem our failed D&D Paladin of mediocre strength, wisdom and charisma. The ending is a slap in the face of the viewer and the moral takeaway is "Gawain realizes just how much he sucks so he won't even TRY his chance at greatness". He is the very incarnation of the tired maxim "It's no use, why don't I just curl into a ball and die". It reeks of early-90's lazy nihilism to such a degree that I half-expected Butt-Head to show up at the bottom of the screen and quip "Whoa, huh-huh, what a wuss!". If this brand of uninspired, artsy tripe is the brave reaction to a ninth Fast & Furious, then I might as well find sanctuary in the treasure trove of blustering hack & slash Conansploitation cinema that the 80's and 90's generously bestowed upon us. "You're no knight!"