Piper Morris

Gnomeo and Juliet is the most horrendous piece of media I have ever had the displeasure of viewing, this has set us back in evolution. What the fuck. As I was watching this each scene threw me more than the last, the whale scene, the random high school musical cast revival (but all as gnomes), and the gnome orgy scene were some of the most displeasureable moments in any film ever and incredibly uncomfortable to watch with my Uncle-Father. Did I mention Uncle-Father is terminally ill? Prior to watching this, his cancer was in remission. Not anymore. The growth grew at an alarming rate every time Gnomeo opened his mouth. He is now terminal. He has 2 months. Gnomeo is a perfect waste of James McAvoys' voice, and the professor X references were gratuitous and corny. My X-Men fanatic friend watched this just for him and cried more with every passing second as she realised what a steaming hot pile of snake eggs this movie is. Also, what was up with the Gnomeo mpreg? Juliet has tiny baby hands and face, Gnomeo is going grey. Suspicious. It's giving Slade Wilson. As a capital H Huge Shakespeare fan, this movie almost killed my love for him. It didn't even feature the Antarctic scuba diving, which, if you know anything at all about Shakespeare, is a major part of Romeo and Juliet. Also, I cant believe that they did not give Juliet a Gnomeish name but did for Gnomeo. This is erasure. Not to mention this side plot that is never officially addressed. For those who don't know, Gnomeo (a garden gnome, an inanimate object) has the ability to lactate from his massive jugs. This results in one of the films most disturbing scenes, where Juliet walks into her living room and finds Gnomeo, shirt off, surrounded by milk soaked tissues. She is unbothered and dubs his excretions 'Friend's Milk'.