big sean

Since the writers spend no time on this, I'll do you all a favour and do the same with the review. Mindless but definitely not fun!

One for the kids! Went to the cinema with high hopes, but by now we should all know what to expect from DC. Poorly scripted, blandly directed, sluggishly edited, unimaginatively designed with unconvincing world building. I pity the cast who had to go through the motions, uttering some truly dreadful dialogue, inhabiting barely realised characters failing to persuade us of familial bonds and dramatic interpersonal relationships. I hope the usually splendid Susan sarandon got well paid, because this performance has to go down as a career low, in truth she had little to work with. A real shame, I'd hoped this might have turned the tide for DC, will have to wait until Mr Gunn gets his teeth into the universe.

Beware, Netflix's Resident Evil is BAD, I'd go so far as to say Evil! For a streaming service that can provide the highs of a series like Stranger Things, how in the name of all that's good in the world can they produce something as truly awful as this. Almost unwatchable! Netflix's worst offering - enough to cancel your subscription - because this is an insult to our intelligence. Where does one start? Writing, scripting, character development comparable to a brain dead zero zombie - rarely have I witnessed a show that just threw scenes together with little or no thought towards not only the overall structure but that of the immediate scene itself, coupled with such dreadful dialogue that its cast are fatally skewered by every utterance. There are some good actors in there but they don't stand a chance with this script. To quote the old dictum scripts aren't written, they are re-written and re-written and re-written. This was first draft will do! It doesn't stop there though production design, make up, special fx, locations all are well below par here - the zombies when we do see them look like a bunch of interns with goo on their faces - many a student film has achieved better results! The South African locations fail to stand in for England and France adding to that back lot feel that 70s shows had. We all enjoy 'hammy and cheesy' horror, but usually it comes with laughs and more importantly scares - this split narrative across two time periods does nothing to add to character or plot development - what we're left with is a poorly conceived YA narrative that plays like its for 13 year olds, expect for the blood and gnashing of teeth. Resident Evil is NOT engaging, dramatic, or horrific, it is however Sinful, because apart from a couple of the cast members, you leave with the feeling that those involved just couldn't be bothered to make an effort - better to shamble on like a decaying corpse than respect the audience. Truly the worst show on Netflix!

Medieval style fantasy is a very difficult genre to realise on the screen, big or small, very few productions have succeeded and unfortunately this costly Amazon series is definitely not one of them. Apart from the as always wonderful Rosamund Pike who you can't take your eyes off, the rest of the cast blunder around in brightly coloured robes from one crisis to another. There's no real sense of characterisation, the cast as Mannequins are simply ciphers to move the the plot from one location to another with no great sense of jeopardy or drama. The whole thing is empty, devoid of drama, laughs or engagement. Lacking the convincing human interactions between the characters they simple wander around the fictional world of the Randlands, meeting pantomime villains, various peasants that Monty Python would have been proud of and running away from uneven special effect scenes. For all its expense, it also somehow conspires, partly because of the unimaginative use of the colourless Czech and Croatian landscape, to feel and look like episodes of the 1970s Planet of the Apes TV series. I haven't read the books, nor will I after this. I know of the book series, my brother in law loved them, his favourite fantasy series, my wife hated them, calling them the worst written fantasy series on the shelves. However, starved of some escapist epic entertainment, we tuned in in the hope of some magic or wonder, and found nothing but cliché. Instead of giving, this series drains a little bit of your soul with every frame.

I enjoyed the ten silly hours of Netflix’s expensively mounted series “Cursed” BUT probably not for the reasons the creators intended. Medieval style fantasy is a very difficult genre to realise on the screen, big or small, very few productions have succeeded and unfortunately this costly Netflix series is definitely not one of them. Cursed is frankly cursed. It’s a dreadfully written, chaotic mess, devoid of drama or suspense, where virtually no one can act and yet at times, it’s great fun but that is more by accident than by design. The series is so filled with riotous unintentional laughs that the first two episodes in particular had more merriment than any comedy I’ve watched this year. Frequently and entirely unintentionally it resembles “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”, with Nimue encountering many, very silly obstacles. Pythonesque moments arrive in abundance with the arrival of the Spanish Inquisition – er, The Red Paladins ("NOBODY Expects the Spanish Inquisition!") led by Father Carden and the Weeping Monk. Seriously, the massacre of Nimue’s home village was one of the most side splittingly funny scenes ever filmed, only bettered in its ineptitude by Uwe Boll’s “In the Name of the King”. To be fair, the series steadies itself by episode three and chugs along to its predictable conclusion. However, it remains stymied by some truly atrocious writing and plotting, in which the cast look to be playing dress-up for the amateur village pantomime. (Oh, No it doesn’t, OH YES IT DOES) Cursed, the television series, is so unsure of its tone that I’m not sure it will appeal satisfactorily to any audience. It’s far too childish for teenagers, yet with a 15 certificate, given no doubt for the graphic slo-mo splashes of crimson as swords slash necks or hands are lopped off, it’s not mature enough to appeal to the GOT, LOR or D&D fan base. The series looks well though, it’s beautifully lit, with a range of impressive locations, sets and CGI backdrops, taking its visual inspiration more from “Maleficent” than “Lord of the Rings”. As you might expect from Frank Miller, the animated title sequence is stunning, however the graphic transitions between scenes, while striking often upset the pacing and create a disjointed feel overall. There are some good actors in there, Lily Newmark as Pym, is refreshing, but most seem dazed and fearful that the lines will kill their career. Katherine Langford, as Nimue in particular seems utterly lost, her enchantress may have survived demonic-bear attacks but she might not survive this script. If you can get past the almost overwhelming, incoherent and very silly first two episodes, it provides harmless but ultimately hollow entertainment. As Monty Python’s peasant told King Arthur in the Holy Grail, “Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.”