Fenton Rhoades

Rebel Moon is nothing you haven't seen before, done better by other people: it's the most transparently derivative thing I think I've ever seen since Battle Beyond the Stars - in fact, Rebel Moon actually manages to knock off Battle Beyond the Stars and still do it worse... In no measure does this - whatever it is, whatever it's supposed to be - deliver on any level. The acting consists of showing up on set that day, the costume and set design consists of every cliché you can think of, slapped together whether they visually work together or not: even the space craft are uninspired, ugly affairs that are instantly forgettable while you actually watch. Even viewed as a drinking game - oh, look : there's a Star Wars refferance (huzzah! Knock back whatever cheap spirit you have to hand) - it's just either sitting there getting pissed or just wishing you were. But the derivations aren't references - it's literally like some AI generated image trying to do it's best to render a lazy text prompt consisting of the sentence "sci-fi stuff happening on a screen". I'd say avoid, but it's kind of like a car crash - you just can't tear your eyes away: it really is that awful a movie that delivers nothing original and absolutely no surprises. I can understand why Sofia Boutella's expression doesn't change once throughout the movie - whether it's the bit where she becomes one of the Daughters of Thanos or goes looking for a cynical, world seary freighter pilot - she's never not in something done far better you've seen already done by much better people. In 6 - 8 months there will undoubtedly be a 7 hour directors cut of a much, much better movie and you'll watch it and wonder - why didn't they release this the first time round or turn this out as a 10 part series? - it would have worked better, but that's not the point. The point is, you'll pay to watch the first versions and then you'll pay to watch whatever version should have got released in the first place and, once again, there you and everyone else is: doubling down on a Zach Snider movie twice, falling for exactly the same trick believing the first versions the fault of greedy executives when, actually - this is the franchise plan. They did the same with all the DC movies and now, here we are again - enduring through the bad version even though you know there's better due - just to see how uninspired it is in the first place and how actually good it could be: and, in the end - you end up buying both... So even in this, Rebel Moon fails to deliver different to other movies that have already pulled the same trick - whether better or not, I just can't find myself caring enough to find out. Wake me up when it's over, preferably when Deadpool 3 comes out. Till then.....