Jessie Mishler

I wrote this today after watching P. S. I Love You last night. LIFE AS WE KNOW IT: There are many times in our lives when we have “life as we know it” end. For example, when we get married, when the first child is born, when our spouse dies. Our lives are made up of many chapters. I see the end of a chapter being the time when “life as we know it” ends. Some of these chapters are beautiful beginnings of a new life, and we seem to lap them up as delicious dessert to be savored, not thinking twice about being thankful and grateful for the blessing of “new life”. On the other hand, when “life as we know it” ends because of death and separation, we step back and wonder where we go from here. I have been in this chapter of my life for 5 years. (My husband and I had plans! We expected to enjoy each other for many years to come. Thirty-six years of being with him was not enough!) “Life as I knew it” ended about 6AM on Feb. 25, 2016. My husband had been diagnosed with esophageal cancer only 6 weeks earlier. We were 3 weeks into chemo and radiation. The oncologist assured us there was a good chance of eradicating the cancer since it had not penetrated the wall of the esophagus. The chemo and radiation hit him like a ton of bricks. He lost his appetite and was so weak and tired. The morning of February 25, 2016, he got up to make a cup of hot cider and fell in the kitchen. He made it back to the sofa and called me. The paramedics came, but it was too late to save him. His heart stopped and my world ended with his last heart beat. What do you say at a time like this? How do you feel at a time like this? Who do you blame at a time like this? How do you take another breath at a time like this? Somehow, my family got me thru the funeral. I was in such shock I could not concentrate on what anyone was saying. I could not believe he was gone. Could it be that my life “as I knew it was gone”? No! No! No! But Yes! Yes! Yes! He was gone and was never coming back. The first year after he passed, my life was nonexistent. I stopped answering the phone, and withered into a pained, scared individual that just wanted to be left alone. One day, I looked at myself in the mirror and decided to stop crying. I had cried enough, and it wasn’t doing any good, certainly not going to bring him back. I told myself I had to go on without him. He had taught me many things about myself, and I would need to put them to use. What is my life now (in this new chapter)? 1) God has given me peace. 2) My health is pretty good. 3) I am not alone; my grandson lives with me. 4) I have financial security. 5) I have good medical care. 6) I have 2 great pets. 7) My child and grandchildren are super great adults. 8) I have 5 beautiful great-grandchildren. 9) Books are my best friend. 10) I am still in my home. 11) I have wonderful neighbors. 12) I still drive. God is with me every single moment of my life, and he said he would never leave or forsake me. How grateful I am for that. This chapter of my life is not what I would have chosen, but it is God’s plan for me. He gave me some wonderful years with my beloved husband, and those memories can never be taken from me. And for those of you who have had “your life as you knew it” changed in the twinkling of an eye and think life cannot go on without your spouse, here are some comforting words from Kathy Bates in the movie “P.S. I Love You”. IF WE’RE ALL ALONE, THEN WE’RE ALL TOGETHER IN THAT, TOO.