Kendra Gilbert

My 9-year-old Disney-loving daughter asked if we could watch something else after 1/3 of the movie, 12 forgettable songs (so many songs!), and an annoying talking goat. She also said she didn’t like Chris Pine as a villain. I didn’t know she had enrolled in the Siskel & Ebert School of Movie Critics; however, sadly, I tended to agree with her sentiment. My defense mechanism against a bad movie is to nap during it (read my review of Keanu Reeves’ Siberia if you don’t believe me). I did nap during this movie and was grateful when my daughter suggested we re-watch Annie. For which I stayed awake and sang all the songs.

As a fan of all things Keanu since I first saw Bill & Ted as a tween in the ‘80s, I must say that I was disappointed in this movie. It wasn’t at all what I expected. First of all, if it were any slower-paced, then it would’ve played backwards. I fell asleep and had to rewind several times only to find I’d missed some pointless, unneeded, jealously-inducing love scene or some dialogue that just made me mad…der. And don’t get me started on Pyotor! The movie mercilessly drags me on some hunt for Pyotor and the real diamonds, neither of which I get to friggin’ see!! Not cool, Keanu. I love you too much to accept that nonsense! And- I ‘ll google Russian mafia culture later- but I was most offended at the show of “brotherhood” (using the term as LOOSELY as possible) between Boris & Lucas as they stared lovingly into each others’ eyes while being orally pleasured by Boris’ garden tool (hoe, for those of you who have never seen the original House Party) & Katya. Who was that scene for?! Homegirl, I bet you‘ll stay your a-word in the hotel next time, won’t you?! Plus, you KNEW this man was married!!!! I guess being that cold all the time makes you thirsty. Smdh. Also, I needed Boris to be badder! Hell, I was more afraid of Vincent, the South African fellow! Still not quite sure of his & Lucas’ connection. Just weird work friends? I needed more context. Okay, I’m done. Go watch this nonsense if you want. I warn you, though, I lost at least 30 minutes of my life in SIBERIA. I’ll never get it back. Maybe this review will fill you in on the parts you’ll miss when you fall asleep.