Patrick Flaherty

(spoilers) This movie could not have been written by a human being. The awful dialogue could only have been written by an alien who, despite knowing that humans speak and having access to an English dictionary, has never actually heard people talk to each other. The terrible, forced dialogue contributed to some of the worst acting I have ever seen in a movie. The characters range from bland, empty tropes (the unhappy married couple) to embarrassing caricatures (the Black rapper whose only line seems to be “Damn,” and the shallow blonde trophy wife). They at least had a point to being there, unlike the doctor’s mother and dog who only show up on screen long enough to die of old age. Because, of course, there’s a plot (of sorts)! The characters are trapped on a beach where their cells age more quickly because of magic rocks, but their hair and nails don’t grow because they’re not live cells. You are shown none of this though, but rather every detail of the plot is verbally explained to the audience in excruciating detail because, again, our extraterrestrial screenwriter has never actually seen a movie. The signature M. Night plot twist comes way too late and only after being all but explained by the midway part of the movie. But don’t worry, it will be explained again! The movie basically assumes that the audience are all morons with a two second memory which, seeing as we all bought tickets, we may be. Be smart. Stay away. Here is a short list of plot holes to wrap it up: - If the hair and nails aren’t growing because they’re not live cells, why are the dead bodies decomposing faster? - If the dead bodies are decomposing faster, why isn’t the food? - If this secret beach is being used for secret medical research, why did they put a famous rapper on it? - Where did teenage Trent get new clothes?