Allison Harn

My strange addiction helped me realize that I’m not so alone in the world. I can’t get through the day without methodically massaging plastic bags around my house. I leave them out so I can repeat this routine several times a day, listening to the crumpling until my legs go numb. I find videos of people chewing loudly and play them in the background until I work up the courage to go to my local Applebee’s and sit as close as possible to a stranger and their family in order to listen to their chewing in real life. Sometimes, if they seem nice enough, I’ll ask to get up closer for a better listen. This is how I’ve made most of my best friends. To top off my perfect day, I lay plastic on my floor and stomp on extreme cheddar gold fish until I have the perfect powder consistency to cover my feet in sugar water and dip them in the powdered gold fish. I then wind down by falling asleep to the gentle nibbling sounds of my 5 cats as they get their daily goldfish fill. If my scrawniest, teeniest cat Oberlander bites me, we all get to share some fancy feast before bed and man, I really have a hankering. Bite me, Oberlander!