hailey oberlander

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I’ve realized that I think I belong on this show. I have this weird fetish for eating white cheddar cheese puffs until my fingers are caked in Cheeto dust, and then I rub the inner sockets of my eyes until I start to feel like I’m in a psychedelic trip from That 70s Show. I do this at least 14 times a day while listening to the hit song “9 to 5” by Dolly Parton. Does anyone else think it’s odd that Dolly Parton only has 8 ribs? Me too. I’m also addicted to flossing my teeth with the edges of candy wrappers I find outside. This has become a bad habit of mine. Sometimes I go outside at around 3:14 am (pi) so that I can find the most crisp wrappers. They’re best with morning dew on them. Please have me on this show so I can work through my gnarly problems. Also, Allie, suck my peen.