Aster Kliewer

I thought the world was ending. I thought humans were a lost race, a disease, a virus, a cold, a vaccine that gave you AIDS. But I didn't realize how wrong I was. Doug, the Velocipastor, is a God amongst men. Watching his inner conflict, being a Catholic priest and a super-lizard, shocked me to my core and gave me a new pair of eyes through which to see life and the world. When he killed his first victim, I fell to the ground in tears, unable to comprehend the pain Doug must have felt by breaking his vows to God, our Lord and Saviour. I wept, face-down on the floor, for Doug and his innocence. But when he decided to enact God's will and murder the evil people of the world, I knew there was hope. Doug's perseverance showed me that I could get through my struggle, eating. If Doug could eat people, save Carol, and stop crime, I could eat a banana without feeling guilty. And so I did. I watch Velocipastor every day as part of my healing routine whilst eating a long, flaccid, banana. I eat it slow, watching Doug on his journey to become the Velocipastor and save the world. And when the ninja pulls his mask off, I jump out of my chair in shock every time. It's the biggest plot twist of history; Doug being forced to kill his brother in order to enact the word of God. Right from the first scene, where Doug's parents are burned alive in the car, I was in tears, my heart breaking for the poor Catholic priest who used to have parents. When he saved the lawyer-doctor-hooker and killed Frankie Mermaid, I fell in love, with none other than... our saviour Doug the Velocipastor. Thank you, Doug, for giving me purpose. I will travel to China every year, in search of the Dragon's Claw, until one day, I too will become a Velocipastor. As Tiny Tim once said, Doug bless us, every one.