Clarissa Cheney

13 things I'd rather do than watch this movie again: 1. Explosive diarrhea on my wedding day 2. Removing ALL of my own skin with a potato peeler 3. Rubbing habenero peppers on my hemorrhoids 4. Drink a pint of kerosene then shove an oily rag down my throat and light it on fire 5. Take a nice warm shower then dry of with rusty barbed wire 6. Drive bamboo splinters under each of my finger and toe nails 7. Be eaten alive by an ostrich 8. Listen to Justin Bieber on repeat for the rest of my life 9. Write an English paper 10. Be nailed in a coffin covered in honey, filled with fire ants and ejected into space 11. Eat glass 12. Watch "Meeting Monty" by Monty Acole on YouTube 13. Witness the death of a stranger in my car in front of my house, accidentally stab my mother, lay on the floor and hold my eyes open while a stranger gently plucks out my contact lenses, run screaming through the woods, then crawl down to a creek, wait to be found by an unidentified murderer and finally die a mysterious and unexplained death