L Tissimo

Well ….. 5 years ago I had a right side orchidectomy ( look it up ) . I would rather have the left side done than watch this again. It was excruciatingly painful - the movie I mean. About 30 mins in one of the characters tells Jlo “ your trouble is your vain “ - spot on. This is a vanity project. Jlo comes straight out of the Danny Deyer school of acting. Serious squinting to portray a vast array of emotions. Scenes reminiscent of dune , robocop, avatar and monsters inc ( yes the animation ) . Poor Mark Strong …. This must be a pay cheque movie . Fair enough. He sometimes looks at Jlo with an expression that says “ you do know this is a load of sh….dont you ? Marks out of 10 as follows Acting 2 Screenplay 2 Dialogue zero Premise zero Special effects 5.5 How anyone could rate this movie more than 2 stars is beyond me . I only watched it cos the trailer was so bad. Queue behind me for the orchidectomy…

I get that there are movies that are arty or surreal and above my intelligence but this movie is so bad I even faffed around getting a new Google password in order to leave a review. It’s pretentious nonsense and trust me I do pretentious so I know. Things you could do instead of watching this movie, Do your expenses Complete your tax return Watch your dog incessantly lick its paw ( preferably the same paw for two hours ) Change every single password that you have to some excessively difficult code in order to forget them later and have to reset them again.Far more fun and significantly more entertaining than this movie.

Ok - some great new images and cover of unseen behaviour but not much more than you could read on line or seen on decent nature programs.didn’t buy into the psycho babble about emotions and the ending you would already know if you new the slightest tiniest bit about octopuses or octopi depending where you come from! Too much contrived effected stuff for me. Sorry but not better than Attenborough that’s for sure and have no idea why it got an Oscar - the others must have been terrible. It’s ok and a gentle easy watch with some great footage (some ) but forgive me it’s nothing compared to some of the astonishing Attenborough stuff we’ve seen and been mesmerised or shocked by.

Implausible , silly, and a tasteless waste of time. The end seems to be a mish mash of other movies and falls flat on its face. You will have to ignore huge plot holes big enough for a land rover to fall through, a villain who tries to be creepy but isn’t and a storyline and screenplay written by a 12 year old. Many reviewers heap praise on Idris Elba and I can see that he has some star quality.He just about holds his part together despite his script and his characters ability to withstand being stabbed, chained up, forced into a car boot, stabbed ( again ) beaten up by fellow prisoners, including being comprehensibly duffed up by the funny little villain, etc etc . There are a couple of lines delivered by the villain toward the end regarding “them and us “ that are both chilling and worth debate . The end is not chilling , pun intended, and is poorly delivered , daft and totally unbelievable. Poor special effects with a wintry grand house scene made by the same people who made santas grotto in our local dept store. This movie seems to be trying to be too many things, a gritty crime drama , an international thriller, a bond movie rip off complete with martini joke ,it’s just terrible. Would I suggest you watch it - if you want some background action whilst you check all of your e mails, including the junk folder , read the news, and the sport, and do your online weekly grocery order, then you won’t miss much , in fact you’ll probably miss the majority of the plot which is a good thing, then maybe. Just maybe.