Andrew Hanson

I'm not sure how this got greenlit outside the draw of being Bargain Bin Harry Potter. The MC is ALWAYS causing trouble for herself, except when she's being tormented by the token bully girl or making another one of her unnecessary bad decisions. Not-Dumbledore and Not-Snape aren't terrible, but it's been done to death. Every episode has someone facing expulsion, detention, failure, timeline disruption, or exposed secrets. And you'd better believe that there's a lesson to be learned about being true to yourself. And don't get me started on the spells. There's a reason they don't teach poetry at this school: all it takes to launch fireballs, summon demons, or transform yourself into a doll is a series of rhyming words... except when there's no verbal aspect to the everyday magic like flicking a light switch or levitating a basketball. You can do *anything* as long as you can find a rhyming word. Change someone's age, give life to a classroom full of paintings, travel through time... Skip it. Pre-emptively block it if you think your kid might be into it. It's not worth the headache.

Good lord, it's just an awful little superhero slog every step of the way. The adult and child actors just stink, the special effects are anything but special, and the plot is extremely mediocre from start to finish. It's something you'd see in the $5 bin and there'd still be an 80% off sticker to drive home just how much you don't need this movie in your life. SPOILERS (As if you care) The kids' powers (and their "hero names") range from the standard super-strength, to the extreme time-manipulation, to the bizarre permanent slow-motion and, through TEAMWORK AND THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP they overcome an alien race determined to take over the planet after the adult superheroes all fail to do it in the first 5 minutes of the show. Except there's a MASSIVE twist in the last 5 minutes that invalidates the entire beginning of the movie as well as the adult hero scenes along the way. You see, the kids free the adults and they're all "Congratulations! You're so awesome! We knew you could do it!" and then the aliens show up and are EQUALLY EXCITED that the kids did so well because, despite how EVERYTHING has played out from the second the movie started, it's been a test for the kids. So, all the dramatic moments of "I'm so concerned, call the president, etc." are moot and don't even make sense in regards to the end. The needless destruction of (another) city hall, the older heroes trying to escape, the "blar, I am cruel and evil" dialogue when everyone nearby is in on the ruse... it's all voided by the final few minutes.

CG effects were okay, but the rest of the movie was just a slog. It hits every cringeworthy, cliche element possible: nerdy outcast lead character, over-the-top supporting characters in the mother (exceptionally submissive and afraid of her boss) and her boss (cold, authoritative, with unrealistic expectations for a babysitter), supernatural evil bad guy that somehow no one knows exists except the super-secret club of kids that no one knows exists, conveniently unused everyday technology that would prove the existence of the aforementioned bad guy and minions, authorities don't believe the main character when contacted, tough-as-nails "veteran" (complete with baby strapped to her back), obligatory title drop as an in-universe item... could go on, but I won't. It's just SOOOOOO mediocre at its best points.

Kiddo randomly wanted to watch this. Might have to block it on Netflix so that never happens again. I'd comment on the plot, but I'm not sure what it's meant to be. You've got the ragtag "Secret Life of Pets" knock-off group teaming up, then there's the city slowly being destroyed, the villain that (SURPRISE!) isn't quite what he seems, religious and political allegory tossed in randomly for good measure, and an ending that just sort of happens out of nowhere. It's like there were 5 teams writing the story and no one communicated with anyone else. Things were either skipped over so quickly that you're left guessing what happened or needlessly padded for run time. Characters were all over the place. Not just "wow, they covered a lot of locations in the city" but more "every animal is a different ethnicity and animation quality." And yet, despite the (forced) diversity in animal ethnic dialects, we still get the mundane and cliché character tropes. The rogue loner that has to lead a team and grows fond of them, the pampered upperclass members that come to respect the aforementioned loner despite his social standing, the lovable-yet-dim character, the random wise dude that meditates, several tough-but-stupid antagonists along the way, a villain working behind it all to kill the heroes for one reason or another, and the noble character willing to sacrifice himself along the way (though you don't see the body because SPOILER: he's a bargain-bin Sonic the Hedgehog and escaped using super speed and won't reappear until the villain is defeated). Speaking of the villain, he's threatening for all of five non-consecutive minutes and is quickly dispatched when his right-hand-bot betrays him in the final moments to help the good guys. WOW. He hates the good-guy bot because the little guy is an older model that has emotions and was supposed to be dismantled. That's about all you get for his character building. He's evil because he's evil; one of the poorest sort of villain classifications that exists. The animation was mediocre -- several scenes even looked like they were just touched-up test renders. You get that sort of Uncanny Valley feeling from watching the animals. The robots were okay, but you have an awkward mix between shiny Big Hero 6 and Next Gen, with some grungy and rusted Wall-E thrown in for good measure. There's a point where a monorail launches off its track and has a very drawn-out "suspense slow-motion" period, but we cut back inside to see the animals moving around at normal speeds, which is about par for the course in this show, and throws off your understanding of whether the scene is slowed down or if the train is magically levitating before a crash. I cannot NOT recommend this movie enough. One star is too many, but it's required.