David Woodruff

I had to break this into two nights it was so damn long. Bad: Storyline, script, character development, acting by Robert Pattinson, editing (too long!) Good: Score (helps with the boring dialogue), cinematography, stunt work, lack of CGI (finally!), directing (despite a terrible script). To directors & producers everywhere: Yes, movie-goers want an escape from reality, but we can’t set aside our basic understanding of physics and the human body. Humans get really hurt when we fall, crash, and get shot. Batman took a shotgun blast to the chest and a bomb exploding in his face — without suffering any real injury. You don’t have to include dumb scenes like this, which make us all groan and roll our eyes. Take a lesson from Chris Nolan’s Batman, who gets bruised and battered. Also, Hollywood will you PLEASE try to veer away from making action movies that glorify automatic weapons? A lot of Americans -children in schools and people shopping for groceries!- are getting killed by these weapons that you portray as fun and exciting “props” in movies. When you create action movies that depend on automatic weapons as part of the plot line, you send a message to the masses that automatic weapons and their carnage are exciting and adventurous. Sorry for the political rant there, but maybe just maybe some decision-maker in Hollywood will read it….

A sometimes exhausting, and occasionally funny, exercise in transmogrification of a simple concept into the absurd. This movie is like a very bad trip: bizarre and shocking “monsters” that pop up unexpectedly, dark caverns dripping with eeriness, and a huge Pennywise-turned-crab-monster. But the story is shallow at best. What is this monster, where does it come from, why is it only an issue for this group of grown-up kids? Frankly, I didn’t get it. It feels like an exercise in self-indulgence by a director who seems to know this is going to be the only movie he ever makes...it just won’t end. A three-hour tongue-in-cheek horror flick? Really?

Not even remotely a Disney movie made for kids like the original 22 years ago. Not sure what audience this is trying to attract. Kids would not understand it nor be entertained by it. This is really Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, superimposed on a faint contortion of the original plot. If you were hoping for a live-action remake with the old songs plus hopefully a new one...too bad. No songs at all. A bit of music in the background pays homage to the original, but this movie still lacks emotion. Also, it has no humor to speak of - not a single joke. The cinematography and set work are beautiful at times, but the story feels shallow - very little character development, huge plot holes, and a decidedly fake lack of gravity with Mulan able to leap over rooftops and villains climbing walls. The writing was a weak attempt at female empowerment, with [SPOILER ALERT] Mulan’s character remaining flat and then magically deciding to unleash her hidden superhero powers (Qi). Instead of fun characters like Mushu and cricket from the original, we get a nasty witch who can shape shift into an eagle who then inexplicably turns good as she dies. Sigh. This could have been a fantastic movie if the writers had simply stuck with the Disney formula of female character facing overwhelming challenge and finding the strength and determination to overcome, and if the director had toned down the ridiculous Crouching Tiger gravity-defying stuntwork and insisted on a modern interpretation of the original’s gorgeous emotional music. All in all, it’s probably better than not watching it at all...but I’d much rather watch the old cartoon version.