Lucas Snowbeard

There is not a redeeming quality about this dumb movie. You know those movies that are so bad that they're funny? Yeah, well, this wasn't one of them. It was just bad.

Another hackneyed reboot of The Adventures of White Jesus.

You cannot call yourself a musician if you haven't seen this movie. Every musician quotes this film.

It felt like a poorly written fanfiction by Shyamalan's one and only fan: himself.

Somehow, this movie managed to be intense while simultaneously a total letdown. It's an allegory about the personal struggles of someone who wishes they could transition to their desired gender, but instead crumbles under the pressures of society. Let it be clear, the subject matter is not the real problem with the film: if you, "were expecting a horror film that wasn't preachy" then that's a YOU problem; art can be appreciated for what it is, even if it wasn't what you expected going into it. No, there are actual problems with this film. It's horribly paced, brushing over important details with quick strokes while slathering on other details that really don't matter. The relationship with the father deserved more attention; the expectations of the parents and society deserved more attention; the mundanity of living life under the wrong gender role deserved more attention throughout instead of being crammed into the epilogue. The reuniting of the two friends as adults felt abrupt and came to an even more abrupt end. Ultimately, it was a heavy topic that was executed heavy-handedly. As someone who isn't trans, it takes a little bit better writing and directing to get me to sympathize for the main character. I'm sure a lot of viewers would agree.

I personally have no problem with casting people of a different race from the original... as long as the film pulls it off in a convincing way. And they did for a little bit: Triton has daughters of every ethnicity, which means it must be GOOOOOD to be the King! Bailey's performance was PHENOMENAL: the look of wonder in her eyes and her stunning voice convinced me that she was, indeed, the best person for the role. But then it turns out Prince Eric's mom is black? Like, wtf? That was when I felt like it was less about making the story work and more about pushing "the issue". Meanwhile, Javier Bardem seemed like a great casting choice at first, but he ended up lacking the tyrannical edge that one would expect from a demigod King of the Ocean. He was so nonplussed about destroying Ariel's collection that I felt absolutely no pity for her. It's a shame, because they had the tools to make this film work, but it ultimately fell flat.

I'm amazed that it's been nearly 10 years since gay marriage was legalized and people are still bigoted enough to think there is something "explicit" about two people in a same-sex relationship. Shame on you, ya buffoons. As for the movie? Eh, it was okay. Nothing particularly "phenomenal" about it, though the art style was really cool. Bottom line: just because it features a gay protagonist doesn't mean it automatically deserves 5 stars, nor does it mean it automatically deserves 1 star. I wish people could just watch movies again without getting all worked up and opinionated over something so trivial.

Phenomenal game. Very minimalistic but very effective. It's amazing what a bunch of unknowns in Argentina managed to pull off with such a small team. I hope to see more great titles from Bloodious in the future.