Clarice Carmichael

Corny as all get-out, and some of the attempted accents will grate on you if you're unlucky enough, in this instance, to speak Spanish. This is just gore-p*rn for someone's 55-year-old NRA dad who can't spell Colombia correctly, much less identify it on a map. It's unfortunate that a cast of characters based on real people should feel so two-dimensional. The main narration, which guides us through this gormless splatter fest, is so Baby's First Teleplay that I honestly feel inspired to quit my day job and become a writer. So, thank you, Netflix!