Andrew Varela

Dear Mr. Soderbergh, I WANTED to love this film! HONEST! But the thing just so reliably failed from exposition to denouement (which was so inventive that it may just as well have been the smiling freeze-frame endings of every T.J. Hooker episode ever made). This pic fails to develop any of its cardboard characters other than the protagonist’s — and here only because Amanda’s character was bailed out by that boldly sui generis blue hair (never attempted in movies since maybe synchronized sound) … plus Zoë Kravitz’s genuine talent. And even then with all of Amanda’s quirkiness and the free cialis too, she was still unable to seduce us ever in the first act. The other characters? Every one of ‘em was plug-and-play cut-outs each one more indistinguishable than the last. The bad guys seemed like they were probably union henchmen too. And oh god, the eponymous title character? Even she was shoehorned into that Kimi-ex-machina role without so much as a taint of irony, probably to be consistent with the pro forma narrative and extravagantly humorless dialogue. I’ve almost done but gotta ask: Did someone from production actually drive down to Sunset & Western to buy that shadowy evil narrative from isle 22 at Conspiracy Depot? Oooohhhh the malevolence! Or was it next-day available for Amazon Prime members? And oh dear god, the bad guys! With just a little more method they could’ve been Keystone Cops, if only they hadn’t been gelded before hair and makeup. Zoë Kravitz’s legitimate talent - despite that thankless character she had to play - was the only anti-emetic besides the popcorn. Seriously, that young woman is going to give us a lifetime of life-changing storytelling. And Steven Soderbergh? I’m super sad… been a grateful fan of his ever since Sex, Lies. So this phoned-in distraction breaks my heart. I worry that he might’ve actually been replaced by a director-doppelgänger after Solaris. Ok, I’m done now. I’ve never once complained in print like this much less written a civilian’s review. And I’m sorry to do it here. Yet I offer these few words about Kimi in the spirit of, say, our congressional postmortem of the 2020 presidential insurrection. That is, in hopes of preventing it from ever, ever, ever happening again. It’s with affection and chagrin that I apologize for writing this, Mr. Soderbergh. Be well. Respectfully, A. Varela