Russell Potter

Bad bad. That feeling of bottomless regret having paid for a movie that you have to stop watching after 20 minutes. Yeh that. And it started so well, with nice special effects and then…. Men in Black show up with laser guns and Daft Punk make an appearance on retro motorbikes. Those robots!? Serving only to humiliate the audience with bum squeezing amounts of regret. “Are you not insulted!” [to the voice of Russell Crowe]. Tension mounts and the anticipation is unbearable as our weakling 45KG hero is velcro strapped to a chair in a top secret government facility with Daft Punk/C3PO handling the interrogation. The audience gasps as he’s able to muscle his way out of the restraints and fight the robots which have the fighting capabilities of my Roomba. The audience woos as the “tech guy” is able to hack into NASA with 3 clicks, “We’re in,” to find a recluse in a Canadian forest within mere seconds - the same recluse that the entire secret service had spent years looking for. But wait - our heroes board a tiny single prop seaplane and are able to fly from Costa Rica to British Columbia without refueling. The audience is on the edge of their seats as the men in black, after trailing our heroes to their remote hideout, turn up armed with Nerf guns only to shoot the person they’d been chasing for years after a brutal interrogation: “What happened to my father?” “ I don’t know” “shoot him!” There’s even some god bothering thrown in for an added kick in the nuts of credibility. The best part, is writing a humorous review to emotionally regulate after the deep crushing feeling of cognitive dissonance you’ll have after watching this movie.