Matt

I'd rather get AIDS and die than play this piece of shit game.

If you thought Disney Plus couldn't scrape the bottom of the barrel any further, let me introduce you to "The Acolyte" — a show so painfully bad, it makes Jar Jar Binks seem like Shakespearean gold. From the opening scene, "The Acolyte" rockets through its storyline with the grace and coherence of a hyperactive child on a sugar high. The pace is so blisteringly fast that blink-and-you-miss key plot points, which might be a blessing in disguise considering the quality of the writing. Speaking of the writing, calling it subpar would be a kindness. The script feels like it was cobbled together by a committee of people who’ve never seen a Star Wars movie, let alone understand the intricacies of good storytelling. Plot holes abound, character motivations are paper-thin, and the dialogue? Oh, the dialogue. It’s so cringe-worthy that it makes the infamous "I don’t like sand" line from the prequels sound like it was penned by Aaron Sorkin. But wait, there's more. The acting is a masterclass in how not to perform. The cast, clearly aware they’re stuck in this cinematic train wreck, deliver their lines with all the enthusiasm of someone waiting for a root canal. The lead, whose name I’ve already forgotten (and trust me, you will too), channels the emotional depth of a soggy piece of toast, while the supporting characters seem to be competing in an unspoken contest to see who can be the most wooden. In short, "The Acolyte" is an excruciating exercise in how to butcher a potentially interesting concept. If you’re a masochist or someone who enjoys yelling at your screen in frustration, then by all means, dive in. For everyone else, spare yourself the agony and steer clear of this galactic catastrophe.