Neil Fleming

Nosferatu. A horror. A dreadful, terrible, shocking, rotten horror of a movie. Where to start. The lead protagonists are so wooden they had to opt for iron stakes to despatch the undead in this dud to prevent unfortunate mix ups. They are so blunderingly bad they make Keanu and Winona’s attempt seem like Oscar deserving turns. The bristling moustached chaps all seem to be based on Victorian Dad from Viz and the women are apparently advertising free smelling salts and laudanum with every corset. To be fair lighting and costume are the only aspects worth complimenting. When we don’t have the wheezy growling Count’s voice that’s been put through more filters than a sewage treatment plant every other scene is either shouty, chewing the scenery hysteria or dark gloomy outtakes from that ghost hunt nonsense with her off Blue Peter. The gory bits and jump scares are admittedly quite good fodder for a first date movie but when all the ornate brass knobs are constantly turned up to 11 it gets tiresome very quickly indeed. A lot of it actually felt like parody. Ze Gehman estate agent eez a Mr Knock, constantly referring to him as Herr K-noch felt like running gag in a Carry On movie. Sort of Carry on Screaming on crack. The editor clearly had a good toot as well, scenes crash into one and other like possessed dodgems. Despite the 2 hours, which felt like a damned eternity, it’s all very rushed, dialogue is fired back and forth like something from a goofy forties slapstick. Whilst we’re on slapstick - Willem Defoe - old Billy Mad-as-badger makes a good living these days playing nut jobs, The Lighthouse and Poor Things were good examples because he was erm, good. Crashing around smoking a comedy foot-long pipe delivering lines so cheezy they wouldn’t make a Hallmark valentines card - not so much. I reckon the director let the actors deliver their dreadful lines normally, then like the inscrutable Japanese director in the Suntory ad in Lost in Translation demanded ‘more intensity’. I quite liked the ending though, it was a decent spin, the effects were good, but most of all it meant we could go home. 2/5, not dead good at all