Man, this movie was bad.
I wanted to love Materialists. Truly. I even paid Amazon actual money to rent it, and I’d like that money back, please. With interest.
This had everything it needed to succeed: Pedro Pascal (the human embodiment of charisma and my future husband), Dakota Johnson (queen of subtle chaos), and Chris Evans (a man who could make reading a cereal box compelling). The trailer made it look like a chic, witty modern-day Pretty Woman.
Instead, it felt like a fever dream written by a committee that had never met each other, or seen a rom-com. The character development? Flatter than Dakota’s delivery when she’s pretending to be interested. I didn’t care about anyone. I cared more about the furniture in the background.
The writing? Utterly catastrophic. Like, “was this AI’s first screenplay?” levels of bad. Every line sounded like it had been translated from English to French to German and back again. Even the actors seemed confused, as if they were trying to locate the plot while looking for the exit.
And the story… oh, the story. Somewhere between Pretty Woman and Euphoria, but with the emotional depth of a wet napkin.
Honestly, it’s a shame…..because the potential was there. Pedro tried. Dakota stared. Chris existed. But the movie itself? An absolute disaster.
If this film were a person, it’d be that friend who insists on hosting dinner parties but always burns the food, and somehow still manages to make you feel guilty for not enjoying it.
⭐️— half a star for the cast, half a star for the audacity.