Gavin Freedman

this is the perfect movie to put on in the background while you actually focus on playing Roblox. You know, the background noise that you don’t pay attention to. That is what this movie thrives at, and im here for it. When I watched this film, I was truly frightened; frightened of the first time I’d experienced true boredom. If this movie has one adjective to describe itself, that adjective will be bland. No, not even bland; that’s far too tasteful. It’s more like if water’s taste was filmed in a two our dramatic reenactment of well… nothing. I will admit, filmmakers did succeed at creating a new genre of movie: borrer, since this in no way is considered horror. Honestly, my uncles male pattern baldness is scarier. And he already bought his toupee to fix that. There’s NO solution for this. In short, is this the worst movie ever? Maybe. Have I seen worse… I don’t think yet. The quiet place had more interesting dialogue than this. But will I see worse in the future. Again, most likely not, but who knows if they will continue this franchise. Maybe next they’ll title it “Alien; If white noise was a movie”. That would be fitting. That being said, the occasional YouTube add in between the ten hour loop will have more plot. I would not watch again, but encourage everyone to see it if they want to be impressed by every movie ever made. Even the iMovie short films I made with my cousins when I was 7. And for all this, 5 stars. Edit: this review was written during the movie. After finishing it, I wanted to make it clear. It does not get better, or begin to make sense. The highlight of the film, as an alien pushed through the chest of one of the main characters (I don’t know her name. I don’t think they said it), was a sad attempt at replicating tiktoker “jelly bean sweats” in the bathroom after her 14th Taco Bell mukbang in three hours. The off putting and disturbing cgi effects truly match the rest of this monstrosity. They somehow made this movie seem like it has a budget of $14, the ultimate goal to sell one single movie ticket to make back the cost. It replicated the feeling I had when I ordered a “gigantic” stuffed animal on temu for 92¢, and upon arrival received a demented keychain plushie that also causes potential birth defects. Now the actors in the film aren’t bad. I think it all comes down to the plot, or lack thereof. Though, there are two more things I have to commend this movie for. For one of the first times EVER I did not hesitate to take a bathroom break. Infact, the wet spot on the ground beside the toilet was more intriguing. It looked almost like a bunny; stargazing but with urine. Maybe I’ll make that in a move.. if people enjoy this film I could win an Oscar! And secondly, if the ultimate goal of the movie was to trigger as many eplileptic seizures as possible by using fast flashing bright white light against dark scenes over and over and over and over again, it truly did succeed. With this in mind, I change my rating.. 1 star because 5 is slightly too generous.