John Elias

The finest collection of Southern Gothic fiction ever compiled. Flannery O'Connor is one of the most important voices in 20th Century literature. She has been acclaimed as the Queen of the Southern style of fiction. Her works are routinely taught in college and university courses. Her legacy seems to only grow with the passing of time. Every reading room in the South mandates that the entire selection of Flannery O'Connor's works be available to the reading public. Libraries in the South dedicate entire bookshelves to Flannery O'Connor, so they always have some books to spare. Southern beauty pageants are required by law to test candidates on their Flannery O'Connor knowledge. All NASCAR races are inaugurated by a sacred recitation of Flannery's prose. Flannery's contribution to literature is so important that critics agree that the Civil War was probably worth it, if it produced the likes of a Flannery O'Connor level genius. The NAACP has recently been forced to admit that due to the literary accomplishments of Flannery O'Connor, that there was some good to come out of slavery after all. One critic actually claimed that Flannery O'Connor wasn't a footnote to racism, but racism was a footnote to Flannery O'Connor. Flannery O'Connor is so internationally renowned, that the entire nation of Ireland stopped drinking for a whole day just to honor her memory. In Dublin Ireland, it is official company policy for every keg of Guinness beer to be read a Flannery O'Connor story prior to being released to the public. The UFC fighter Connar MacGregor was warned by the Irish government that they might revoke his name, due to its similarity to Flannery O'Connor. Historians agree that the IRA (Irish Republican Army) gave up on terrorism after reading Flannery O'Connor.

As far as grimoires goes this one is not as grand as it might sound. Oh sure, this is the great Le Dragon Rouge, the Red Dragon, but that's just the French version, the Germans had the White Dragon, the Italians have a Blue Dragon and the Dutch for some reason have the Pink and Purple Dragon. What sets this grimoire apart is that it comes with a free bonus in the Clavicle of Solomon. This is not actually the collarbone of the Hebrew King Solomon but a super complicated and elaborate, half year long, dangerous ritual that upon correct completion summons the collarbone of Solomon. And of course we all know what that does! The demon summoning spells work pretty well, but unlike other grimoires of the period these demons are really fussy about doing your bidding and always checking your sigils and pentagrams for any mistakes in the geometry. I had one demon grant me a wish of 3,000 golden coins, only to find out that the dude totally gypped me. The coins looked golden enough at first, but once I banished the demon, I took a closer look and they were just copper pennies covered in golden foil that rubs off with just a fingernail. Another demon screwed me over, when I wished for eternal fame and the next day coming out of the Walmart I slipped on some ice and spilled my groceries all over the place and some random A-hole video taped it and put it on Tiktok and it went viral and I became the laughing stock of the internet. So I don't know, I think you can do better with other grand grimoires and I would definitely shop around. Like I said the demons in this one are way too French, super snobby, very demeaning and are always acting like they are above it all. And talk about your bad customer service, these demons make you feel like you've really put them out, having summoned them to the physical plane. Also they don't offer any refunds or guarantees, nor can you leave any comments or reviews of services provided. I would give them like 1 or 2 stars maybe.

Panned by critics at the time of its release as a desperate cash-grab by the then broke legendary author, Tom Sawyer, Detective was actually way ahead of its time. More modern takes on the book have labeled it as prescient and revolutionary. Critics now hail it as only second to Edgar Allan Poe's Auguste Dupin character, as foundational to the modern detective story. As the title suggest Twain's most famous character returns as a detective in a dark new vision of quaint small town America Many of the classic tropes seen in later hard-boiled detective stories first appeared in this work. Unlike the earlier books, Tom Sawyer now talks in quick staccato rhythms with the wit and bravado of the street, albeit the streets of the village of St. Petersburg, Missouri. His personality has received an upgrade as well, where he has a near reckless abandon and devil-may-care attitude in the pursuit of the truth. He begins to adopt the standard uniform of the detective when he and Huck Finn find an oversized Fedora and an adult's beige trench coat that Tom awkwardly wears from then on, even while he sleeps. Also, even though still just kid, Tom Sawyer now chain smokes cigarettes and drinks tumbler after tumbler of hard whiskey, so much so that it's amazing he could still stand up. The women also appear updated from the earlier works. There is a torrid love triangle between Tom's old flame Amy Lawrence and a new and improved Becky Thatcher, who now seems more like a classic femme fatale than some sweet young country girl. Tom becomes a bit of a playboy, as he is kissing one girl one moment and professing his love for her alone, and the next he is kissing another one altogether, almost like he forgot that moments earlier he had kissed three other girls and claimed he would love them forever too. Also in every new scene Becky wears fancy almost-ridiculously elaborate hats, tons of jewelry, lots of make-up and smokes cigarettes almost as much as Tom Sawyer. The story revolves around the standard MacGuffin item, that like some mystery box, is always tantalizingly near but nigh impossible to get your hands on. Becky it seems has thrown in with old Muff Potter and a miraculously resurrected Injun Joe, who claims to have faked his death in the cave. The three are involved literally in a wild goose chase, as they seek the priceless relic of the Guatemalan Glassy Goose, a jewel encrusted crystal statue sought after by Hernán Cortés and the Conquistadors. In the end it turns out to be a fake and more like a plain old Missouri duck than any gorgeous Guatemalan goose. Tom describes its folksy art-style as "The stuff nightmares are made of." Tragically Becky had thrown in with the wrong lot and Tom turns her over to the local authorities for her part in the brutal murder of Widow Douglas, but tells her that he will be waiting for her when she gets out of prison in 50 years.

Did you know the author of one of the most beloved children's stories of all time was actually a brilliant mathematician? Alice in Wonderland is a tale full of whimsy and comic craziness, but it is also laced with a highly sophisticated and complex code referencing an entirely different form of humor: Math Jokes. The editor of this edition was the most prolific mathematician of the 20th Century in that of Martin Gardner, who reveals and decodes all the insider jokes that Carroll left behind like some hilarious mathematical minefield. I read this book while I was doing my PhD at Princeton and I would bring it into class and read selections to my fellow classmates. Sometimes the Prof would come in, only to find an entire class of geeky math nerds rolling on the floor in hysterics over Lewis Carroll's humor. Often I would write out the formulas that Gardner had gleaned from the text on the chalkboard before class. Even super serious mathematics professors would burst into laughter at the sight of them. Like this one extracted from the passage on the Cheshire Cat: iħ ∂Ψ/∂t = -ħ²/2m ∇²Ψ + VΨ It still makes laugh me see every time I see it! Hilarious right? Or this one had them crying at Princeton about the Mad Hatter's Tea Party: P1 + ρgy1 + ½ρv1² = P2 + ρgy2 + ½ρv2² Am I right? Huh? That one hits it out of the park every time. My personal favorite and one you can tell at your Christmas Party is this side-splitting, laugh-out-loud masterwork of hilarity that will make them laugh until it hurts: E² = p²c² + m²c4 I am dying, I am laughing so hard right now as I am writing this. That's how funny this book is!

Probably the longest, most encyclopedic and detailed story about football (American soccer) ever written. If you are a big football fan, then maybe this book is for you. But I will be honest, I used to like the game, I used to watch the game with friends, I used to even play the game, but getting all the way through this book was a serious chore. I don't know how many more Tolstoy tales I've got in me, because I am just not that young anymore. Nobody can write like Tolstoy. And thank God! Who has the time to read it all?! The story is all about a single game of football. Just one game! You can't believe how anyone can go on so long about just one single sports game (except for my Uncle Anthony.) You don't get to the opening whistle until the third chapter! And then there's this terrifically long paragraph on the whistling alone: its tone, its pitch, the amount of spittle produced, etc.. Tolstoy describes the running, the passing, the dribbling, the fouls and the corner-kicks, more running, more passing and the attempted scoring and the blocking of attempted scoring, and then more running and passing and then even more running and even more passing. It's like half of the book is just running and passing without anything really changing in the game. He describes the offensive strategies and defensive strategies in minute de tail. And yet it is all for nought, since almost all of them don't work or change the score one point. Maybe the most frustrating part, is when he is leading you up to this really climatic moment in the game, when then he suddenly shifts gears and goes into this incredibly long backstory of the players and their family histories. First though he goes on about how the people of the Steppes naturally love the game, because of how the ancient horse barbarians, the Kurgans, after a horrible bloodthirsty pillaging of a village, would lop off the head off of one of their captives and play a rudimentary ball game with it. Then Tolstoy seems to suggest that Russians are naturally quick to the offense, because the heads in those games would only last a couple of minutes before they had to lop off another one. And just before something really exciting might actually happen in the game, Tolstoy goes on about everyone's excruciating backstory involved in that play. And sometimes we are talking just a corner-kick here! And yet he talks about why everyone is exactly where they are on the field at that very moment, because of familial circumstances that sometimes go back generations! I'm sorry, just because Vladimir Ivanovich's grandfather got himself pinned down by the British in the Crimean War, doesn't necessarily mean that he would tend to avoid the center of the field. And quite frankly I think it's ludicrous that someone would become a goalie, just because their ancestor caught a cannonball in the chest.

This is a different kind of Charles Dickens book! Really it's a travelogue of journeying through Italy, a country almost totally opposite his native Britain. What makes this book interesting though is how the author focuses on the seemingly unfamiliar side of the Italian landscape. Dickens is always encountering these poor and pathetic children, typically orphans, who are running wild here and there. Sometimes they are being chased by the odd Italian convict, but more usually they end up being adopted by some old Italian woman in some great old dilapidated villa. These orphans are a real thing for him, for he seems to find them almost everywhere he goes, in the country, in the cities, but mostly in the gutters, just below the window of some rich awaiting benefactor. He also explores the fascinating Italian seasonal rituals. During Christmas, Dickens finds himself in Northern Italy in a world bereft of snow, but not of banks. Touring Florence, Milan and Venice, Dickens is drawn to the banking quarters, where he never seems to fail to find some miserly old man, constantly muttering to himself and counting his florins. Yet these wretched creatures, one and all, are all haunted by uniquely Italian spirits, which after a series of misadventures, create a desirable character arc in the personalities of these formerly miserable and greedy monsters, into incredibly generous and stupendously happy totally different people, so much so that one might think it would be very difficult for them to maintain their jobs as bankers. And that's the wonder of your typical Dicken's travelogue, he is always finding the downtrodden and following them until they emerge into almost unbelievable transformations of character.

A story collection written by the greatest and bestest writer in the history of the universe. Earnest Hemingway is so universally acknowledged as the finest writer to ever put pen to paper, that many other writers just gave up the craft in surrender to his utter fabulousness. Librarians have long noted that Hemingway's books are so mightily powerful that other books on the same shelf have a tendency to fall off the shelf out of sheer respect for his genius. Hemingway's editors were so terrified at the prospect of editing his manuscripts that they would shake with fear when handling them. Many editors returned the manuscripts the same as they were, declaring them already perfect. Hemingway's sparse style was so revolutionary that most people have stopped reading altogether, knowing that no one will ever be able to top the master. Single words from his prose have such power that they have caused Buddhist monks to fall into a catatonic state of instant enlightenment. Some readers are so fanatical that they memorize entire books and repeat the words to themselves endlessly as a meditation. Hemingway's prose was so profound that forest rangers claim certain trees have committed suicide, just for the chance at becoming the wood-pulp page in an Earnest Hemingway novel. Many an octopus in the ocean have been known to involuntarily squirt ink at the mention of his name. According to the Vatican and the Papal literary counsel, God himself has admitted he could do no better than Hemingway. Scientists and astrophysicists claim that they have discovered the residual presence of the collected works of Hemingway in the radiation signature of the Big Bang. In fact Hemingway's work is so good that you probably shouldn't even attempt to read it, because it will destroy all the neurons of your brain in a blast of sheer brilliance.

This was a walk in the park for Tolkien, who was probably the greatest philologist (languages expert) that ever lived. Tolkien taught Beowulf at Oxford for many years and was a world leading expert on the poem. As Tolkien was fluent in over 14 languages, he decided to make this translation a little more interesting. So he first translated it into elvish, then translated the elvish into dwarven and then back again to elvish before translating it into English. And you can see it in the work; it makes all the difference in the world. Also in this translation Tom Bombadil makes an unexpected appearance and regales the hall of warriors with one of his song and dance routines. There are subtle suggestions that Bilbo is also around but invisible to be sure! In the footnotes, Tolkien explains how the 8th century anonymous author of Beowulf stole two of his most famous characters, where Grendel is an obvious rip-off of Gollum and the dragon is clearly a plagiarized Smaug. Gandalf also gets a line in the grand meeting of the warriors and lords, suggesting that the monster Grendel 'Shall not pass.' As far as Beowulf is concerned it's hard to go wrong with Tolkien's translation, but do yourself a big favor and read it in the original elvish first!

Dr. Seuss' sexiest book ever! WARNING: This is a XXX-RATED full length and fully illustrated almost banned book about seven super sexy ladies that refuse to wear clothes. EVER! These hot babes are totally naked from the first page to the last. And they are sensationally sexified and naughtily nudified and drawn and illustrated in that familiar way that only Dr. Seuss can do. Did you think 'The Cat in the Hat' was all that? Or that 'Green Eggs and Ham' was real fun jam? Or that the Grinch was a cinch in a pinch? Then you might find this book challenging because nothing rhymes with Godiva, and there are no rhymes in this very serious and somber book. But you are going to TOTALLY LOVE IT, because this is Dr. Seuss' ONLY ADULT-ONLY book, exclusively for readers over 18 years of age (photo ID required upon purchase). There is some seriously sexy horse riding by fully illustrated, fully naked ladies. And if you're into voyeurism (and let's be honest who isn't?) then this book has all the peeping toms you'll ever need. So if you like children's books by beloved children's book authors, where all the art looks like children's-book-art, but is way too risque for children and may not even be appropriate for all adults, then forget 'The Lorax' and line-up for lots of licentious lady's learning of legendary literary lust.

The problem with all these stories is that they lack tension. A good story needs to have interesting and believable characters where the stakes are high. This author (I read he's actually just the compiler or editor) this Hitchcock guy, doesn't even understand what makes a good mystery story work. And I'll tell you the secret of a good mystery: IT'S SUSPENSE DUMMY!!! This Hitchcock fella doesn't know the first thing about suspense.