Jessie Larkin

Should be called Jeepers Creepers: I wish I was ever born. The first ten minutes gave me a glimmer of hope, but the moment I saw the main character's look had been inspired by a dumpster behind a Claire's in 1990 and her token gay friend said he needed to "tinker his tailer soldier spy" I knew I was in for a nauseating experience. The two main characters win an escape room trip that apperently must be redeemed immediately. So much for the horror fest they drove all the way to Louisiana for. The escape room turns out to be a trap put togeher by a cult of three people. A retired miss America with a southern, post-stroke, tongue tie accent, a store owner who loves rubbing voodoo dolls crotches, and a nameless and useless man in a white suit. Then we see the Creeper, an underwhelming slimy dude who's only real weapon seems to be his whistle. He is so easily defeated, it is laughable. Following are a list of things scarier than the creeper in this movie: The CGI, the Backdrops, The threat of pregnancy, That one white bird with red eyes that just got back from 'Nam and sounds like a t-rex, and slipper hand puppets. All in all, it's about as enjoyable to sit through as an unmedicated backyard colonoscopy. (which probabaly would have a higher budget than this entire movie.)

If you like movies where you can follow the plot, you will be dissapointed. Not only was it impossible to follow the half baked plot, but it was also impossible to care. The characters were shallow, the writing was abismal, the thirty second shots of birds in trees, the main character driving her chameleon truck, the confounding number of seahorses and so on made me wish I could have put this movie on 2x speed so it would actually be possible for me to pay attention. I was especially dissapointed in the ending because the only thing that could have made it worth watching was if they brought out all the writers, directors, and actors and executed them one by one with those weird chain hooks for their crimes against film. Even if they had, we wouldn't have been able to see it through the blurry camera lense held by a toddler with Parkinson disease..