Epic Pizza

My name is Pete Zapartti. This is my story. You might have heard in the news recently my wife's name: Lauren Zapartti. A few nights ago after a tiring day at the shoe factory, I arrived home. Lauren, as the loving house wife she is, had made me dinner and selected a movie for the night! That movie was Tall Girl 2, but our netflix malfunctioned. Something about an overload of watchers for Tall Girl. Anyways, La La Land was free on prime, and my brother's wife's sidepiece had recomended it a few days prior. So my wife and I decided to pop it in as some background for intimate times. However, following the opening number, we just could not get in the mood. So offputting! To make matters worse, when Lauren saw Ryan Gosling, she hopped off me and became fixated to the movie. Whatever man, yeah, Ryan is pretty good looking. So there we were, locked into the movie. Following Sebastian and Mia meeting at the hip party, I found myself very bored. I think it must've been Gosling's tie. Who in the hell taught him how to tie that thing! It was an act against God, and really took away my attention. Anyways, Lauren knew that my cure to boredom was popcorn, so she reluctantly drew herself away from the screen to run out to buy some. I have not heard from her in 48 hours. I think the secret government in Hollywood put brainwashing material in the many stupid colors of this film. While I have not finished it due to Lauren's disaperance, I give it one star to save others from watching the government's secret project. My name is Pete Zapartti.

I cannot believe how this movie changed my life. The night I went into labor my straight husband and I had just started this movie because parts 1 and 2 were so immaculate. However, a few scenes in, a kicking like no other began. I had begun labor! We quickly shut the film off and raced to the hospital. The whole car ride, while yes dealing with the immense pain one feels from childbirth, I was so curious what I was missing from the movie! I was so emerged in Elle, Noah, and the other guy (been a long night). When we finally reached the hospital and got checked into our room, I noticed the tv across from us. When more nurses arrived on the scene I managed to utter the words: "kissing booth 3." While this was not at first apparent what I was asking to the staff, my husband immediately knew. So we got the movie on our room's tv!!!! By this point, I had dialated ten cm, and it was getting intense. But after a little bit, the charm and wit of the characters soothed me. It's like Elle and friends were painkillers for my uterus! Thanks to the movie, our daughter was born in the most holy of circumstances and currently rests in my arms. The film helped so much, she now bears the name Elle. In short, this movie is the most quality piece of work since SharkNado. God bless.