Xao Thao

Spoilers Ahead!!! * * * This is the worst Jurassic World movie ever. So many things to complain about. And all I wanted was to see dinosaurs. How hard was it to give me dinosaurs? Unfortunately, seeing dinosaurs made up only at most 15 minutes of the film. The rest is trash. The family is insufferable from the spoiled older daughter to the lazy and useless boyfriend to the Dora The Explorer wannabe kid sister. The only person halfway decent in that movie is the father who puts up with too much bs from kids acting like they’re grown adults. Scarlet Johansson’s character was okay, but that’s it. The rest of the people were okay as well. Computer systems NEVER automatically reboot. It’s a fail-safe, especially in the case of highly dangerous and experimental dinosaur hybrid creation projects. The beginning is the weakest excuse for a computer failure. A snickers bar wrapper short circuiting the ventilation system which for some reason, also controls all the electronics. The D-Rex, which looks like a mix between a Predator and a T-Rex, is somehow NOT caged or locked up. Apparently, teams of scientists can just go into its habitat and be okay except for when the computer decides to reboot itself for any perceived failure in any component of the system. Why is there just a glass barrier between the D-Rex and the literal lab? Two glass doors is not more protection. It’s glass. Also, how do they not have a system in place or a way to kill the D-Rex? That’s just stupid on the oversight part of the whole illegal project. The dinosaurs are fast when they want to be and incredibly slow when characters have plot armor on. The T-Rex, for example, chased the family on a raft through water. Then, it flips the raft over and while everyone is floating in the knee-deep water, the T-Rex decides to go to shore and try and bite at people floating in the water. How stupid is that? Is it suddenly afraid of water now? Or the D-Rex is beyond stupid. Such a fierce predator but never attacks any of the good guys, only attacks the bad guy, literally is two feet away from every human and doesn’t eat them. What the literal F is going on with the D-Rex? D must stand for “disappointment” because it surely acts stupid. Nothing else mattered. I wished the boyfriend and the older daughter would die, but nope, entitled spoiled princesses and complete douchbag jerks get to live. I would not watch this again. This is how awful this film was.

I am thoroughly disappointed with this. Why can’t I have a good alien film? That’s all I want: aliens. Is that too hard to ask for? Spoilers ahead. Another strong teenage female lead who went from zero to hero in the span of 40 minutes. What in the world is up with stupid teenagers being the lead? Are there no adults left in the world? An alien who incubates in a literal 5 minutes after implantation of the egg, then grows from tiny to xenomorph size in another 5 minutes. What is wrong with how the xenomorphs developed? Was it not fast enough? And why the need for the alien to cocoon itself again after bursting out of her chest? It now goes through two egg stages which is dumb. The engineer-looking black goo baby is extremely weird looking. It’s not a xenomorph so now, the black goo creates engineers? Wth?! The lore is all over the place. Xenomorphs go through 2 egg stages and literally completes a life cycle in ten minutes. With all the other xenomorphs around, why was there even a xenomorph born? Just for the cool special effect of the X-ray light? Yeah, no. The main female lead makes so many dumb decisions. She goes back for an android. Not an actual human being, but a synthetic artificial human who apparently can’t think without a module. She somehow escapes from multiple xenomorphs who are a mere five feet away from her. She flies through acid in zero gravity. Like, really? This is all supposed to be realistic? Not to forget to mention all of the other impossible and dumb things she does, like releases the cargo bay and is held on by a small cable. That’s it. She doesn’t get sucked out to into the vastness of space because of a cable the width of my finger. The xenomorphs are slower than turtles when moving and attacking. They look cool and that’s about it. They do nothing and we don’t even know why there’s so many of them and who is laying all the eggs. Why can’t Hollywood make a decent movie? I’m so disappointed.